Episode 117 – The One Where Russia goes Ass to Monocle

In this week’s show sadly is without Aaron’s garbled jargon, we will discuss hypocrites and assholes, and hear how Shea has apparently found a way to get Jeebus to heal his eyeballs.
 
Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Ukko (the Finnish god of the sky, thunder & crops) hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying his patience!
 
Shea’s Life Lesson
This week I learned that it’s easier to sharpen the end of a worm into a point -using a pencil sharpener- if you freeze it first.
 
Jenn’s Actual Lesson
Did you know that Umbanda is a religion of Brazil that combines influences of the indigenous Brazilian religion, African religions, Catholicism, and Spiritism. It was founded in the early 1900s by Zelio Fernandino de Moraes.
 
But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

Chasin’ Freshies 2016 – Centennial – Deschutes
Donated by RW

This Week’s Show

Round Table Discussion
 
No new patrons or iTunes reviews.
 
However!
 
Our new favorite German listener (sorry T’Boogs) sent us an amazing post-Christmas gift of chocolates, candies and OF COURSE beer! Thank you so much, Dennis! He even included a kind letter.
 
Nathan tweeted us from the Women’s March! Fantastic hats ladies keep up the good work. Nathan asked us to mention that Congress has a phone number and you should call it: Congress 202–225–3121 – just be a little more polite to them than you would be on our drunk-dial line.
 
We also got some info from awesomest home-brewer of the show Ben! He asked us to share http://www.marchforscience.com who’s twitter account just announced that they will be releasing an organizational tool in the upcoming days.
Because science and technology will make for a better march for all!
 
To close out the roundtable this week we’re happy to say that HB135 was dead moments before the last show was published!
 
Which is amazing!
 
Thanks to everyone who sent us a message, sent our reps messages and generally got the word out. This was clearly crushed by media blowback, and that means you!
 
Unfortunately, at the time of recording HB244 — the transphobic bathroom bill — is still in season…
 
Lucky for us Wyoming’s legislators list their phone numbers ;)

Headlines

Hypocritical fuck is a hypocritehttp://bit.ly/2knuoV1
  • Man is caught boinking another man’s wife, both of whom were members of his church
  • Man is Rev O Jermaine Simmons Sr, pastor of Jacob Chapel Baptist Church in Tallahassee, FL
  • Ben Stephens was called by the school to pick up their 6yo son. When he arrived home he found pastor hypocrite banging his wife, Claynisha, in his daughter’s bed
  • Seeing red, Ben yelled, “I’m gonna kill him,” and went for a gun.
  • The brave pastor fled the home naked. Ben said he’d deliver the fucker’s clothes to the church.
South Dakota really wants the title of the stupidest Dakota http://bit.ly/2knpbwe
  • Jan 25 the SD Senate passed SB 55 which says in part
“No teacher may be prohibited from helping students understand, analyze, critique, or review in an objective scientific manner the strengths and weaknesses of scientific information presented in courses being taught which are aligned with the content standards established pursuant to § 13–3–48 [the section of the state code that governs the state education standards revision cycle].”
  • This is basically saying that it’s okay for a teacher to “teach the controversy” which is pseudoscience nonsense.
  • Jeff Monroe (R-District 24), a sponsor of SB 55, also sponsored SB 112 in 2014, which would have prevented school boards and administrators from prohibiting teachers from teaching “intelligent design.”
  • The National Center for Science Education’s, Glenn Branch, told the Sioux Fall’s *Argus-Leader *that SB 55’s passage could allow teachers to present creationism, climate change denial, or white supremacy with impunity. He also observed that local school boards could be put in a legal bind whether or not they tried to prevent maverick teachers from miseducating their students about science, warning, “This is a recipe for legal disaster.”
  • The SD House now has the bill.
Russians being Russianshttp://usat.ly/2knBKI4
  • The Russian parliament voted 380–3 to decriminalize domestic violence in cases where it does not cause “substantial bodily harm” and does not occur more than once a year.
  • Eliminates criminal liability in such cases, makes a violation punishable by a fine of roughly $500, or a 15-day arrest, provided there is no repeat within 12 months.
  • Reverses a ruling by the Supreme Court last year, subsequently backed by parliament, that decriminalized battery that does not inflict bodily harm, but retained criminal charges involving battery against family members.
  • Andrei Isayev of the main Kremlin faction, the United Russia, said lawmakers are “heeding the public call” by correcting a mistake they made last year.
  • Russia is one of three countries in Europe and Central Asia that do not have laws specifically targeting domestic violence, according to The Economist .

This Week’s Stories

Shea’s finally found a cure for blindness!!!http://bit.ly/2knhupP
  • Hava Celebic, or ‘nana Hava’ as she is known to locals in her village in Bosnia and Herzegovina, has supposedly cured 5,000 people using the unusual technique.
  • only person in the world who possess the ability to heal with her tongue, which makes the 10 euros she charges seem something of a bargain.
  • Hava uses her tongue to remove pieces of lead, iron, coal, sawdust and glass from eyeballs after sterilizing her mouth with alcohol.
 
Patreon Story
Doom-Spraying Prophet Claims God Can Make Him Disappear From Jail – http://bit.ly/2knFolf
  • You might recall Limpopo’s controversial “Prophet of Doom” from great stories like
    • Don’t Drink Toxic Chemicals
    • Don’t Drink Toxic Chemicals 2: Task The Spray
    • People Let Me Park On Them
    • and People Let Me Park On Them 2: I Needed A Speaker Stand
  • Well, Pastor Lethebo Detective Rabalago, of Mount Zion General Assembly, finally got arrested apparently.
  • The Limpopo department of health had brought an urgent application for the court to interdict the doom-spraying prophet and members of his Mount Zion General Assembly church in Zebediela from spraying people with Doom.
DOOOOOOOM
  • Rabalago’s legal council Lubisi expressed strong confidence that the case – which involves the law and faith – is not a strong one‚ adding that the two should be kept separate.
  • A group of about 60 people wearing T-shirts with the words “Touch not the Anointed One” written on them, all scrambled to secure a spot inside the court, where the pastor was to make his first court appearance.
  • Other supporters‚ most of them women, who could not get a seat inside the court, were seen singing outside the high court building on Biccard Street.
  • Supporters inside the court hailed and cheered the pastor when he finally appeared in two-toned formal shoes and a slim fit maroon jacket. He was accompanied by bodyguards, who kept an eye on him all through.
  • On their way to catch a bus after the court session‚ Rabalago’s supporters were singing: “Where there is Doom‚ there are no problems.”
  • Hours before his court appearance, Rabalago said he was not afraid of jail. The embattled pastor dared law enforcement to arrest him, saying jail would not stop him from performing miracles. He further told The Sowetan he believed God could make him disappear from the jail cells.
Jenn’s Story
 
I know it feels like every possible asshole on the planet has been headline news in the past few weeks, but good news! There are some more out there that you may not have heard of! This includes the human scrotum, Texas Representative Tony Tinderholt – http://huff.to/2knzS1R
 
He has proposed a bill to CRIMINALIZE abortion. This is in order to make women “more personally responsible” for their sexual activity. Per Mr. Swipe Left:
“Right now, it’s real easy. Right now, they don’t make it important to be personally responsible because they know that they have a backup of ‘oh, I can just go get an abortion.’ Now, we both know that consenting adults don’t always think smartly sometimes. But consenting adults need to also consider the repercussions of the sexual relationship that they’re gonna have, which is a child.”
He calls this bill the *Ugh *Abolition of Abortion Act. It would ban abortion at every single stage of pregnancy. It also amends the state’s penal code to allow women and providers to be charged with murder for the procedure. The bill has no exceptions for rape or incest because Tinderhold said he doesn’t think “there should be any exceptions to murder, no matter what.”
 
Although Texas Republicans recently declared it a priority to abolish abortion in the state, criminalizing the procedure would be blatantly unconstitutional.

Next Week’s Beer

Lagunitas: Brown Shugga Ale

Faith In Humanity Restored

 
Canada Celebrates 150th Birthday, Makes National Parks Free All Year Longhttp://bit.ly/2knupIz
 
It’s either go big or go home with Canada, eh? – that’s why the country is celebrating its 150th birthday by allowing free admission to all national parks for the duration of 2017.
 
All you have to do is order a free 2017 Discovery Card admissions card from the park’s website (http://bit.ly/2kY4nie), and you’re good to go.
 
In addition to the National Parks event, Canada is also celebrating its birthday by announcing 150 different (http://bit.ly/2knAPqO) community greening initiatives.
“The environment is one of the major themes at the heart of the celebrations for the 150th anniversary of the Confederation,” explained the Minister of Canadian Heritage, Mélanie Joly. “Communities across the country will come together to carry out 150 community greening projects that include planting trees and revitalizing green spaces.”

Bonus Cat Video

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