‘Tis the season for another blasphemous episode of Waiting for Wrath;
where we fill festive socks with treats and oranges;
when making the jolly is basically the point;
where we ho, ho, ho – except Jenn – I’m not brave enough to rhyme that out,
We’re not experts and we make no apologies for our presents — so — let’s have a candy-cane, revel in the gingerbread cookies and, some god forbid, turn on a heater or three.
In This Week’s Show, episode 163 we deck the halls and paint our balls in the hopes that Saint Beermas will soon be here!
Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Father Christmas hasn’t struck us down yet, we are on his naughty list!
Shea’s Life Lesson
This week i learned that the preferred pronouns for a chocolate bar are her/she
Jenn’s Actual Lesson
Did you know that, instead of silly milk and cookies, the traditional gift for the British Isles’ Father Christmas is mince pies and whiskey?
But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!
This Week’s Beer
Haybag Hefeweizen – Philipsburg Brewing
From Beer Club Member Ally
- BA Link: bit.ly/2zR5ub7
- BA Rating: No Score
- Style: Hefeweizen
- ABV: 5.5%
- Aaron: 9d
- Jenn: 8
- Shea: 8
- Steve: 7
This Week’s Show
Round Table Discussion
Russel from Adelaide wants us to let Shea know he is his spirit animal. So, Happy Hanukkah, Shea.
Favorite German listener Dennis wrote in with an interesting note re: a discussion from 2 episodes ago where we talked about humans consuming milk from other animals. Certain types of ants herd other insects, like mites and aphids, and “milk” them for their excretions. Yummy sweet aphid juice! So yeah, you’ve never met a vegan ant HAVE YOU? (Also, Dennis, we’re very sorry for your loss and hope your holiday season improves. But your grandmother sounded like a helluva woman.)
We don’t have any new Patrons to thank this week … we think – there have been a lot of changes to patronage in the last few week’s because of Patreon’s bullshit and it’s a bit difficult to sort out, so we’ll just say thank you all for riding out the last few week’s worth of Patreon’s terrible decision-making!
I say it frequently and gratefully — you are the best people on the internet!
Patreon’s poor choices sent our pod-community into a tizzy. We chose to wait it out and see what happened. We couldn’t have done that without the incredible confidence we have in you! Few creators enjoy that sense of community. We are fortunate and humbled, thank you all
Cause we’ve got fuck all else.
4 More Beers plug!
HL1 – Floating Space Turds – bit.ly/2DuVxyf
- Two months ago, astronomers from the University of Hawaii spotted the first interstellar asteroid to enter our solar system, which passed earth and is continuing on a path to take it on out of our solar system.
- They named it Oumuamua (O-mua-mua), after the Hawaiian term for ‘scout’ or ‘messenger’.
- The unusual asteroid is about 400 meters long and around 40 meters wide, which is very unlike the asteroids we’re familiar with in our own solar system.
- There was an initial search of signals coming from Oumuamua, but nothing was found to date.
- Scientists continue to analyze data from the rock as well plan to conduct three more blocks of observations.
- SETI and Breakthrough Listen, which are both scientific organizations dedicated to searching for evidence of extraterrestrial life are on the case.
HL2 – Driving Mr. Assface – wapo.st/2BwckDF
- Fifteen-year-old sophomore, Eric Trammel, hasn’t stood for the Pledge of Allegiance since he was in eighth grade.
- He learned of the Black Lives Matter movement and decided he identified with it and went about his own form of silent protest.
- Unfortunately, his driver’s ed teacher, Richard Ferrick, didn’t know the law or care about the very rights that Eric was protesting for.
- On the 2nd day of class, when Eric remained seated during the pledge like he’d been doing for a couple of years now, the fucknut teacher grabbed him by the arm and took him outside (apparently actually outside) and left him there.
- After 20 minutes in the cold, Eric asked to be let in, and the teacher said, “This isn’t the NFL.”
- Eric went to school administrators who walked him back to class and began an investigation against the teacher.
- I’m happy to report that Richard Ferrick will not be returning to class.
HL3 – 7 Words The CDC Can’t Say – bit.ly/2kTrdoy
- The current administration has continued its war on reasonable thinking by creating a new list of seven dirty words.
- Unhappy with Carlin’s shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,, motherfucker and tits, we now have another list to contend with.
- The CDC is no longer allowed to use certain dirty words in any of their official documents.
- Ready for the nastiness? Here they are: Evidence-based, Science-based, Fetuses, Transgender, Vulnerable, Entitlement, Diversity
- Holy verbal diarrhea batman. How can we do science without using the
- vocabulary of science?
- Well, Robin, that’s the fucking idea. Trump is a simpleton so he didn’t come up with this list. This came from the evangelical jughead mouth-breathers that love him and hate actual knowledge.
- I’m confident that this stupidity too, will pass.
This Week’s Stories
‘Tis the season for terrible monsters to eat yer mis-behaving chillins!
While we all wait for a weird old fat man to break into our houses and give things to our children – which in any other context a headline story from Florida – I thought we should take a moment to talk about the less venerated solstice creatures…
To set the tone will start with an oldie but a goodie – everyone’s favorite child-sack-beater … Krampus!
- Krampus – The mirror-mirror Santa
- Krampus Night is celebrated on December 5, the eve of St. Nicholas Day in Austria and other parts of Europe. Because everything is worse in Austria.
- Public celebrations that night have many Krampuses walking the streets, looking for people to beat.
- Alcohol is also involved – so it’s got that going for it, which is nice.
- Injuries in recent years have led to some reforms, such as requiring all Krampuses to wear numbers so they may identifed in case of overly violent behavior – which makes this sound terrifyingly like there are just … Mall-Krampuses in Austria. Like you go take a picture with Santa and then temper your kids expectations by then taking them to see the Krampus, which beats them for you… because of your Austrian… which is basically the Alabama of Europe.
- Krampus may look like a devil, or like a wild alpine beast, depending on what materials are available to make a Krampus costume.
- Many cities in America have their own Krampus Nights now, including the new Krampusfest in Los Angeles this year – ‘cause, I mean, what do you expect from a down where Lucifer owns a nightclub…
2. Jólakötturinn – The Christmas Cat
- Jólakötturinn is the Icelandic Yule Cat or Christmas Cat.
- He is not a nice cat… which is somehow a distinction from the rest of the furry little assholes – like the furry little asshole that jumped on my face this morning. Asshole.
- But Jólakötturinn might eat your ass – and not in the good Los Vegas way….
- This character is tied to an Icelandic tradition in which those who finished all their work on time received new clothes for Christmas, while those who were lazy did not – so yeah… Iceland, I know you’re new to this Christmas thing, but clothing isn’t the good presents. Fuck. Buy-in you-in self-in some-in Legos-in!
- To encourage children to work hard, parents told the tale of the Yule Cat, saying that Jólakötturinn could tell who the lazy children were because they did not have at least one new item of clothing for Christmas – and these children would be sacrificed to the Yule Cat.
- And you thought Americans were materialistic on the holiday – fuck.
- A poem written about the cat – which I’m sure rhymes in whatever catfood language people speak in Iceland – ends with a suggestion that children help out the needy, so they, too, can have the protection of new clothing.
3. Frau Perchta
Or, Frau Pancetta as she’s known in American…
- Tales told in Germany and Austria – Austria, it’s Christmas’s butthole – sometimes feature a witch named Frau Perchta who hands out both rewards and punishments during the 12 days of Christmas (December 25 through Epiphany on January 6)
- She is best known for her gruesome punishment of the sinful: She will rip out your internal organs and replace them with garbage. Just, fuck you, I’m stuffing you with garbage – the last imaginative supernatural punishment there is, hell, in America, we call that “dinner out”
- Perchta’s story is thought to have descended from a legendary Alpine goddess of nature, who tends the forest most of the year and deals with humans only during Christmas – Because Brexit was such a fucking mess even the minor deities need seasonal employment…
- In modern celebrations, Perchta or a close relationship may show up in processions during Fastnacht, the Alpine festival just before Lent.
- There may be some connection between Frau Perchta and the Italian witch La Befana, not to be confused with Bannakaffalatta the holiday-red Zocci who dies every Christmas shitting on the ignorance and bigotry of others. But La Befana isn’t really a monster: she’s an ugly but good witch who leaves presents.
- Belsnickel is a male character from southwestern German lore who traveled to the United States – I assume because their own fiords are already full as fuck of terrible holiday monsters – and survives in Pennsylvania Dutch customs.
- Belsnickel carries a switch to frighten children and candy to reward them for good behavior – no word on whether or not he shows in a van with tinted windows…
- In modern visits, the switch is only used for noise, and to warn children they still have time to be good before Christmas.
- The name Belsnickel is a portmanteau of the German belzen (meaning to wallop) and nickel for St. Nicholas.
- Hans Trapp
- He’s another Krampus-Belsnickel hybrid.
- Trapp hands out punishment to bad children in the Alsace and Lorraine regions of France.
- The legend says that Trapp was a real man, a rich, greedy, and evil man, who worshiped Satan and was excommunicated from the Catholic Church – so… not the most creative rendition of a Frenchmen.
- He was exiled into the forest where he preyed upon children, disguised as a scarecrow with straw jutting out from his clothing. He was about to eat one boy he captured when he was struck by lightning and killed—a punishment of his own from God.
6. Père Fouettard
- The French legend of Père Fouettard, whose name translates to “Father Whipper,” begins with an evil butcher who craved children to eat.
- He (or his wife) lured three boys into his butcher shop, where he killed, chopped, and salted them all Sweeney Todd style.
- St. Nicholas came to the rescue, resurrected the boys, and took custody of the butcher – because he has more superpowers in French.
- The captive butcher became Père Fouettard, St. Nicholas’ servant whose job it is to dispense punishment to bad children on St. Nicholas Day – which sounds more like finding the right job for a child predator rather than, you know, keeping him in custody… what the fuck Santa?
We talked about the Jólakötturinn, how could we forget the Jólasveinar?
- The Jólasveinar, or Yule Lads, are 13 Icelandic trolls, who each have a name and distinct personality – no word yet on their stance on keeping Disney Princess captive until she eventually loves all seven of them, but whatever.
- Fun fact, the Jólasveinar may or may not have anything to do with Jólakötturinn, they just sound the say… I think…
- Basically, they were a roving band of assholes who took your presents out from under your tree if you were a little shit.
- The 20th century brought tales of the benevolent Norwegian figure Julenisse (Santa Claus), who brought gifts to good children.
The traditions became mingled until the formerly devilish Jólasveinar became kind enough to leave gifts in shoes that children leave out … if they are good boys and girls… Also, I hope you have shoes…. fucking nordic countries are real big on punishing the poorly dressed eh?
We’re really gonna have to call this 7.5 though…
- All the Yule Lads answer to Grýla, their mother.
- She predates the Yule Lads in Icelandic legend as the ogress who kidnaps, cooks, and eats children who don’t obey their parents – so… sucks to be her kids.
- She only became associated with Christmas in the 17th century, when she was assigned to be the mother of the Yule Lads – Thanks gay marriage, assigning people to troll children? wasn’t flaunting your love enough!
- According to legend, Grýla had three different husbands and 72 children, all who caused trouble ranging from harmless mischief to murder – so yeah, the hypothesis confirmed, her child-rearing skills should not be made example of.
- Also, she’s a cat lady, apparently living with Jólakötturinn too.
- This ogress is so much of a troublemaker that the Onion blamed her for the 2010 eruption of the Eyjafjallajökull volcano.
Other than the good news that Roy Moore did not appeal to African American voters in Alabama, most current news items are pretty shitty. The FCC is run by a man who thinks it’s funny to troll the American people after voting to disrupt their internet freedom (pls don’t watch the video he released where he is dressed as Santa, for rage reasons), the Trump administration has decided neither science nor evidence should factor into health research (also the word ‘fetus’ is banned? are we going to call them undercooked babies now?), Matt Damon can literally never just shut up about anything and etc… So, finding a story with actual holiday cheer was daunting:
Happy Holidays, here’s a story about monkeys using deer as sex toys.
Patreon Story – Bye-Bye to lamest of the Ghostbusters – bit.ly/2CWe2KL
This week’s patreon story is available to everyone, because holidays!
So if you like what you’re having, go ahead and gift us a buck and you’ll get more just like it every week.
I’m still trying to glean the smallest of drops of goodness and joy in our current times. Hence, I am bringing you some information about one of SCROTUS’ highly unqualified appointees for a federal judge. Brett Talley, a 36-year-old lawyer, has been nominated by the Trump administration despite having never tried a case. This position is a lifetime appointment, and it seems all Dumpster is looking for in regards to qualifications is ultra-conservative beliefs and a relatively long expected lifespan. Oh, also, he was unanimously deemed as “unqualified” by the ‘American Bar Association’. (Don’t be too excited for him for this distinction, he’s only the FOURTH of this Administration’s nominations so far to be labeled this. Look up Michael Spencer Petersen for a video of a staggering display of incompetence.)
So he’s not the only TERRIFYINGLY out of his league appointee, but happily, he has bowed out of consideration. So that’s the good news portion of this story. However, he is too full of wackiness for me to just let him go without comment.
So here’s some info on Brett Talley: untested Alabama lawyer, honestly wretched blogger, C-level horror author, and part-time ghost hunter.
In one of his author bio he describes himself as working as a lawyer “to put food on the table,” a phrase that truly signals a real passion for the law. A 2014 Washington Post article notes that he once named an Antichrist character after one of his woman coworkers, which we are assured she was totally cool with. Caitlin Conant was then Sen. Rob Portman’s communications manager while Talley was also working as Portman’s speechwriter.
“I wanted her to be important. I wanted her to be a major character,” Talley said of his decision to make Conant the antichrist. “I consider it a gift. In horror novels being the antichrist is, like, the highest honor possible.”
In addition to novellas with Lovecraftian flare, Talley also explained that his favorite way to spend a Friday night was to check out old, abandoned buildings.
“Factories, insane asylums, that sort of thing,” he said. “I am always trying to get people to go with me, but no one ever does. You have to watch out or you’ll get arrested for trespassing.”
Hilariously, on his questionnaire for the Senate Judiciary Committee Talley says that he was part of The Tuscaloosa Paranormal Research Group from 2009-2010. The group, according to its website, searches for the truth “of the paranormal existence” in addition to helping “those who may be living with paranormal activity that can be disruptive and/or traumatic.”
The group’s founder David Higdon, who later co-authored a book with Talley (Haunted Tuscaloosa), told the Daily Beast he doesn’t recall any specific cases the two worked on together. Those would be ghost-hunting cases, not “trying in court” cases, because, again, Talley has never done one of those.
When not hunting for ghosts or writing about them, or blogging about racism and horror, he creates homemade trailers for his books and features them on his YouTube channel. Please to enjoy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOMDyWV8jho
Ah yes, Papyrus font. SPOOKY.
Next Week’s Beer
Midas Touch Ancient Ale – Dogfish Head
- BA Link: bit.ly/2AMquzV
- BA Rating: Rating: 87% – 2,147 votes
- Style: Ale
- ABV: 9%
Faith In Humanity Restored
A Birthday That Actually Matters!
As of this recording, we will be celebrating the best seasonal birthday, the one, the only, Winnie the wombat!
What, who did you think I was talking about?
Australia’s oldest wombat just celebrated her 31st birthday in style – with Two Motha-fucking Cakes yall!
Winnie’s 31st birthday makes her the oldest wombat in Australia and probably the world.
“Common wombats generally live in captivity for between 25 and 26 years, so it’s actually quite rare and unusual to have a wombat live over the age of 30,” Renee Osterloh from the National Zoo and Aquarium said.
Winnie was orphaned as a joey and hand raised at Birdland Animal Park at Bateman’s Bay before moving to Canberra’s National Zoo in 1992.
Winnie is also known for curling up into blankets in the middle part of the day.
“It’s quite difficult to then see her, but you see this movement under the blankets when you walk past and you know that she’s snuggling in deeper into that sleep,” Ms. Osterloh said.
You can follow Winnie on her facebook page at bit.ly/2kVE8X0
Bonus Cat Video
Dear Satan – Narrated By: Patrick Stewart – vimeo.com/246983302
Winnie The Wombat – http://bit.ly/2kYD0lJ
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