Episode 179 – The One Where We Ship 10 Million Decibels of BS to Your Ears!

In This Week’s Show, episode 179, Jenn’s gone so we scoured the internet for inappropriate headlines… enjoy. Sooory eh.

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Rangi (the Maori sky god) hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying his patience!

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week I learned that revealing the intimate details of Donald Trump’s sex life to the public is only going to make the opioid crisis worse.

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Is dying, as per the usual… Har har har har.

Since it’s a sausage fest, here’s a fact about the Maori god, Rangi, considered the father of mankind. He fathered multiple gods through the earth mother goddess, Papa, then left her for some new brides to make people.

That’s right, ladies. They even get tired of goddesses.

But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

Cellar Blender – New Belgium

BA Link:bit.ly/2pxAINx
BA Rating:3.89/5
Style: Sour Beer
ABV: 7.5%

  • Aaron: 9
  • Shea: 9
  • Steve: 5

This Week’s Show

Round Table Discussion

Patron – Dave the British Yeti! Here he is among the best people on earth, our patrons! You can become a patron too at http://bit.ly/2qqJxcqks extra story… it’s about drinking gravy!

Skeptics Round Table

What have we been up to?

Aaron: Make’n Cheese

Jenn: Plague-stricken, yet again. Please keep her in your thoughts and iTunes Reviews – those are better than prayers…
(It’s more like bronchitis, but thanks for playing. ~J)

Shea: Got a new tablet

Steve: Today is my 19th wedding anniversary and I’m spending some of it with you fine people. My wife is fine with it. Actually, when we decided to record today, it was Aaron who reminded me (and me, my wife) that it’s our anniversary, so if it wasn’t for this show, we’d have likely forgotten… again.

Hot Shots (Pew Pew)

Can Ya Feel Me Now? – dailym.ai/2HuYAsP

A Chinese man with an “itchiness” he couldn’t scratch enlisted the help of the worlds last corded phone by cramming the useless device’s cable up is urethra to “scratch” at a burning sensation. As anyone who’s ever unplugged a computer knows, cables tangles themselves up as if by magic. Unfortunately, for our would be Urologist, this tangling occurred in his bladder, requiring emergency surgery. No word yet on whether Ma Bell is considering this a “long distance” service…

Who Doesn’t Love Getting A Little Head, Eh Marti? – bit.ly/2qrGhNJ

 

41yo Virginia woman Roena, apparently dissatisfied with the head she was getting, decided to take her cunnilingus to-go and decapitated her 29yo bo… named Bo. Another body part of his found in woods nearby, presumably after it slid off the roof of her car, as is the fate of all styrofoam doggy bags.

When Have A Coke And A Smile Goes Wrong, What Do You Do?bit.ly/2qrGi4f

Why blame the weather of course. When officers pulled over a car and said they smelled pot, passenger and Florida woman (I know, shocking), Kennecia Posey, admitted the weed was hers but insisted that the small baggie of cocaine in her bag wasn’t hers, saying, “I don’t know anything about any cocaine. It’s a windy day. It must have flown in through the window and into my purse.” It seems the cops didn’t find the story credible since they arrested her.

Don’t enter into verbal contracts with roofers. – bit.ly/2qrGikL

Dickhead roofer in question, Andrew Jackson Higdon, was charged with criminal trespass and damage to property after removing the shingles and roofing felt after the homeowner didn’t pay him as quickly as he wanted. They’d agreed in June that he’d be paid after the insurance money came through. By December he decided he’d waited long enough. Get your contracts in writing folks.

Nipples For Sale – bit.ly/2qrGiBh

31-yo Danny Ruxton quit his job to spend three years designing fur-fringed, rainbowlicious, Hershey’s Kiss unicorn nipples. Because it’s the internet, and that’s how we fund startups now. Leaving us wondering what the internet won’t buy, the lucky nipples come in a mantra printed box reading “flick ‘em, rub ‘em, suck ‘em”, could become a lucky charm for those who buy them.”

The Canadian Devils Angles Guybit.ly/2qsU9HE

In a truly disgusting display of anarchistic outrage, the Manitoba Hells Angels have targeted a local business for refusing to serve one of their members. Canadians were aghast at the biker gangs reprisals, which included leaving 1-star reviews on Yelp, and saying mean things in meme’s that – and this is true – blurred out the word “fuck” in the “fuck you” caption. No word on if they’ve apologized yet.

Seriously, #NeverAgain! bit.ly/2qs9iZD

Replying to #NeverAgain, conservative radio host and balding, somehow even more comically bewildered Ernest Goes To Twitter look-alike, Jamie Allman, tweeted that he was gearing up to drunkenly sodomize Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg with a red-hot poker. He has since lost his TV show, twitter account, and radio advertisers. No word yet on whether he’ll relaunch his terrible show on Infowars, but we’re watching lizard-overlord court closely for updates.

Food Shouldn’t Hurt!bit.ly/2qrGj8j

In food shouldn’t hurt news, proving ReasonCon delights and listener extraordinaire Andi and Allen wrong, an unidentified 34yo man was hospitalized this week after thinking California Reaper peppers were food. Apparently, the hottest peppers in the world are fucking hot and if you eat them you might just get Reversible Cerebral Vasoconstriction Syndrome or RCVS. RCVS causes wicked crazy headaches as your body tries to save itself from you by using oxygen deprivation to excise the lizard part of your brain that thought eating something called a Reaper was a good idea. The man will likely survive his capsicum-based lobotomy, but apparently, that’s not always the case, with RCVS killing about 3% of the people who get it.

Science Is Winning So Hardbit.ly/2qrGjoP

Rounding out science news this week, researchers have discovered a new type of moth. Evolutionary biologist Vazrick Nazari has identified a new centimeter-wide moth, disclosing his finding on ZooKeys. The moth sports a stylish golden comb-over and genitalia that are “comparatively smaller” than it’s biological relatives. Given the moths’ presidential characteristics, it’s been named Neopalpa donaldtrumpi. No studies have yet been done into its mating practices, but biologists expect the moth to attract mates a third its age by grabbing them by the pupa.

Take a moment to make a donation to WyoAIDS.org, we’re nearing the end of our begathon and we’d love to finish with a hard push!

Hmmm.

Yeah, I see what I did there too…

This Week’s Stories

Shea’s Shitty Story

bit.ly/2qqsvei

For the past couple months, a small Alabama town has been neck deep in human shit… Right now, dozens of train cars carrying 10 million pounds of poop are stranded in a rural Alabama rail yard in Parrish. Technically it’s biowaste, but to the 982 residents in the small town of Parrish, that’s just semantics.

Apparently, it isn’t drawing as much tourist traffic as they had hoped. I guess DC is close enough if you wanna see a steaming pile. The best part of this whole ordeal is that the shit isn’t even theirs. For the last year, waste management facilities in New York and one in New Jersey have been shipping tons of biowaste (code name for shit) to Big Sky Environmental, a private landfill in Adamsville, Alabama. But in January, the neighboring town of West Jefferson filed an injunction against Big Sky to keep the sludge from being stored in a nearby rail yard. It was successful — but as a result, the poo already in transit got moved to Parrish, where there are no zoning laws to prevent the waste from being stored.

Parrish Mayor Heather Hall said she is doing everything in her power to get the feculent freight out of her town. “It’s so frustrating,” Hall said. Last week, Hall met with Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey, and she and other Montgomery lawmakers told Hall they would help get it sorted out. “They’re trying to work behind the scenes to get us a little bit of help, but we’ve been told that for weeks, and there’s still no solution.”

Seems like they are mired in shit…

Hall said the stench permeates everything. The rail yard is across from a baseball field and next to a softball field. Parrish only measures about 2 square miles, and pretty much everything is within smelling distance.

“It greatly reduces the quality of life,” Hall said. “You can’t sit out on your porch. Kids can’t go outside and play, and God help us if it gets hot and this material is still out here.” On Tuesday, when Hall spoke, the temperature reached 81 degrees.

The Environmental Protection Agency and the Alabama Department of Environmental Management have both told Hall the material isn’t dangerous, because it’s supposed to be Grade A biowaste, not raw sewage. That makes it sooooo much better, I assure you.

  • In Class A biosolids, pathogens must be reduced to virtually undetectable levels
  • According to an expert with a degree in wastewater engineering, the processes involves heat and pressure. So they are pretty much shit bricks…

So, in short, nobody knows when the poop will be moved.
“I’m just getting little bits and pieces of information (mixed with corn), and I cannot tell you how frustrating it is,” Hall said. “My understanding is, they are really trying to work on the problem, and they keep telling us the situation is almost over.”

Sounds like this is gonna be a double-flusher…

 

Patron Shots – available now at bit.ly/2Hxn6JM

bit.ly/undefined

KFC has a new shot that’s coming to bars near-ish you!

There’s been a growing trend for stock-tails, using broth in cocktails, over the last couple of years. “Bartenders are stirring and shaking animal stock and bone broth into cocktails served warm and chilled to add a new savory element to seasonal drinking,” according to a feature from Liquor.com on the trendy drink.

KFC cooked up three varieties of this new kind of drink: the Gravy Mary, Southern Twist and Fingerlickin’ Sour, with the tagline “Gravy so good you can drink it.”

“Our fans repeatedly express their love for our gravy, which always sparks ideas within the team. We know our gravy is good enough to drink – so with ‘stock-tails’ being a real hit at the moment, what better ingredient to take them to the next level?” Marion Racine, marketing manager at KFC UK & Ireland, told The Independent.

Ingredients:

  • 20ml KFC Gravy
  • 50ml vodka (optional)
  • 90ml tomato juice
  • 1 tsp horseradish cream
  • 20ml Worcester sauce
  • 15ml lemon juice
  • Hot sauce
  • Paprika, celery salt, pepper
  • Highball glass
  • Ice
  • Celery
  • KFC Popcorn Chicken

Method:

  1. Put paprika, celery salt horseradish, hot sauce & Worcester sauce in a cocktail mixer.
  2. Add vodka (optional), lemon juice, tomato juice & KFC Gravy.
  3. Throw cocktail between two mixers.
  4. Pour over ice into a highball.
  5. Garnish with celery & KFC popcorn chicken.

Recipes for the other two cocktails can be found on Youtube.

So yeah. Basically, this is why America is the way it is…

Let’s Get Invisible!

bit.ly/2Hwpi4l

Is it still cannibalism if you don’t swallow?

I’ll leave those important discussions to people more qualified than myself. If you need to know the answer, I hear Dr. Lecter is always happy to give private lessons…

What we do know though, is filling your lips with a big old dab of … human … will make you invisible! Or at least that’s what the Iron King said.

Not that one, we’re in the Philippines for this one, not the Iron Isles. Disappointing, I know. Haring Bakal – or Iron King – believes human remains give him superpowers despite not helping the person who used to use those parts to have powers… or to be alive…

The group is known as Haring Bakal, or Iron King, believe human remains will grant superpowers. But not the good ones like flight, speed, and strength. The kind lame ones like being invisible when no one is looking.

They’ve been hiring grave robbers to go get their power-ups. Apparently, one of the powers it doesn’t give you is getting off your ass to steal your own corpses.

Footage showing a ‘blesser’ – a ‘medicine man’ – from the cult preserving stolen kneecaps in bleach and coconut oil is described as sickening, but having seen the picture… it looks like a dehydrated jerked lizard. I wouldn’t guess in a million years that was some mobsters stickball leftovers.

Iron King blesser and member Angelito ‘Rambo’ Oreta said that people in his weird cult will fashion the remains into belts, or put them in their mouths in the belief that hiding kneecaps in their mouths will, in turn, hide them from everyone else. Which is and understandable conclusion, because when you’re walking around with preserved kneecaps in your mouth, people don’t want to look at you. One could be forgiven for confusing the avoidance of others for invisibility… you know, if one is dumb enough to think kneecap based chew toy belts have magic powers.

For his part, Rambo justifies his practice by saying ‘It is found in the bible, Ezekiel 37 the valley of dry bones, ‘you offer their spirit to god and to wash their sins by means of prayer or oracion’. So yeah. Thanks, Jesus…

Apparently, if you offer the people bits prayers they will protect you and your family. But if you just like… have some people parts and forget the praying… then those ghosts will fuck your shit right the hell up. Because ghosts.

Rambo has the world’s creepiest mardi gras beaded shaped necklace made up of all manner of people bits tied into a sheet of plastic, each “bead” having a knot before and after it. That way, he says, when he’s fighting people he’ll hit harder.

The group was founded in the 1970’s like all good death worshiping cults and had the express purpose of creating fearless fighters to combat Muslim insurgency. As if setting themselves to host Far Cry 6, the group now boasts growing numbers and a strong isolated foothold in the country even counting local police, soldiers, and so on.

The group has started resorting to grave robbing themselves to feed … ugh … demand, but still proffers to pay “professionals” which… you live in a fucking place where one can be a professional grave robber! What the fuck!

Fortunately for us, this cult probably isn’t going to spread like good and proper western pussy-branding celebrity sex cults, because of their other beliefs… like claiming to grant devotees ‘bulletproof powers’ – by hacking them with machetes.

Next Week’s Beer

Fresh As Helles | Boston Beer Company (Samuel Adams)

  • BA Link:bit.ly/2FYMbLU
  • BA Rating: 3.62/5
  • Style: Munich Helles Lager
  • ABV: 4.5%

Faith In Humanity Restored

Fuck. Texas is officially doing better than we are…

LGBT workers are protected from workplace discrimination, Texas judge says in ‘earth-shattering’ new ruling – bit.ly/2Hxnmsb

For the first time in Texas, a federal judge said LGBT workers should be protected from employment discrimination based on their gender identity and sexual orientation.

Judge Lee Rosenthal, the chief judge in the Houston-based Southern District Court of Texas, said in a decision last week that federal employment law protecting workers from discrimination based on sex also applies to sexual orientation and gender identity.

This doesn’t immediately make it illegal to discriminate in Texas. After all, it is Texas. But thanks for Nicole Wittmer’s lawsuit regarding not being hired because she was Trans there is a now a hefty precident set for supporting Texas’s LGBTQ citizens. While she lost the suit against her would be employer the Judge ruled that like cases with a touch more proof, would go in favor of the LGBTQ complainant.

The decision could provide cover for other LGBT workers who are not protected for employment discrimination under state law. Someone could sue and cite this case, and if they win at the 5th Circuit, it would create a new precedent for the entire region.

“Just based on the sheer population of Texas,” Carpenter said, “if it becomes the rule in Texas, this would be the single biggest victory against employment discrimination that has yet to be enjoyed by the LGBT rights movement.”

Bonus Cat Video

Marvel Studios’ Avengers: Infinity War — “Family” Featurette – YouTube

Binging with Babish: Shawarma from The Avengers – YouTube

4 Ways 2001: A Space Odyssey Was a Visual-Effects Pioneer – YouTube

The Mystery Of Why There’s An “Alien” Gargoyle On A 12th-Century Scottish Abbey May Have Been Solved – YouTube

Tour of the Moon in 4K – YouTube

Time: The History & Future of Everything – Remastered – YouTube

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