In This Week’s Show, episode 181, we gear up, shave down, and glitter coat everything this week in anticipation of Infinity War… and also Drag Queen Bingo.
Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Beelzaboot, the Canadian devil guy, hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying his’ patience!
Shea’s Life Lesson
Today I learned that if you’re aroused by dirty talk, your genitals are technically voice activated.
Jenn’s Actual Lesson[cough cough] I’m sick … of having so much fun without the guys! [cough cough]
And I’m Steve and before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!
This Week’s Beer
Space Dust IPA | Elysian Brewing Company
From: Mr. Jenn!
- BA Rating: 4.08/5
- ABV: 8.2%
- Style: American Double / Imperial
- Link: bit.ly/2JY73pc
- Aaron: 4
- Shea: 7
- Steve: 5
This Week’s Show
Round Table Discussion
Jenn is out again, but this time it’s not because of the plague! She’s having beers with her hubby, happy anniversary, and the fine folks from Atheists on High. She promises to bring back some beers, so it’s a win for all of us.
First, an update to the story I did a few weeks back about crazy cultists NXIVM – bit.ly/2r32EcB. Allison Mack, of TV’s “Smallville” fame, has now been arrested by the FBI on a bunch of charges that sum up to being a leading figure in a crazy ass human trafficking sex cult. Guess she won’t be helping Superman save the day any time soon…
Another quick follow-up: The Alabama poo train has hit the rails. Parish, AL is now free of the stench of New York shit since the last of the poop has been flushed from the tankers. The transport company was forced to hire more pooper-scooper trucks to empty the cars so the town can go back to just smelling like Alabama.
Patron Update bit.ly/2HTEmeQ
Patron cut episode 154 – “Christian Hogwarts” academy teach kids “good” magic – bit.ly/2zeITAL
The Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, in Redding, was getting a lot of attention for its promise to teach students how to spot a “true prophet” as well as how to perform miracles.
It turns out there’s more. Not only are students trying to walk through walls, they’re up to something called “grave sucking.”
Grave sucking, also called “grave soaking,” is where people lie on the graves of deceased Christians to absorb their blessings. Church leaders aren’t pro-grave sucking but they aren’t about to stop it either.
As mentioned Jenn is off with Atheists on High, whose info is in the show notes, and a little birdy (well, Jenn) told us that they’ve got beer for us! Can’t wait, thanks for being awesome! bit.ly/2I7rxLP
We also need to thank Felicia for coming to visit! Hear more from her at Utah Outcasts! bit.ly/2HXgfMw
Speaking of WyoAIDS.org, as this goes out publicly — you patrons will have to do some + or – a day math here — tomorrow, Saturday, April 28, is Laramie’s Drag Queen Bingo! If you’re in the area and you can make it we’d love to buy you a beer. Tickets are still on sale at WyoAIDS.org and will be for sale at the door while they last. As a peek behind the curtain, we did some volunteer training that might have included the show schedule, and I can safely say it’s gonna be a fantastic night you won’t want to miss!
Hot Shots (Pew Pew)
The segment where we skip right past Go and shoot straight to the silly.
Aaron – Starting things off, hotshot Pope was looking to cool things down for his name day. Shirking centuries of dictatorial tradition, the Pope didn’t have his enemies battle to the death for his amusement. Instead, he had the popemobile’s windows tinted and spent the day telling people to visit his holy van full of ice-cream. He managed to give ice cream to nearly 3000 people, a feat only achievable because of the room he made in a little glass box by removing all the puppies, kittens, and denial…
Steve – I think I’ll just go on a quick vacay. A 12yo boy from Sydney, Australia had a fight with his mother, so he decided to take a trip. He tricked his grandmother into giving him his passport, stole a credit card from his parents, and boarded a flight to Perth then Bali, Indonesia. Once there, he checked into the All Seasons Hotel and told the staff he was waiting for his sister and then apparently lived a little. No word on just how fucking long he’ll be grounded.
Aaron – In, it’s-almost-the-right-to-vote, news tonight we’re celebrating a progressive new law in Saudi Arabia that allows women to use bikes! Along with a host of new personal freedoms, like being able to watch movies. Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman declared that not only can women ride bikes, they can do so without their hymens exploding, or fear of off-bike beheadings! Unfortunately, as they will still be required to wear hijabs while riding, there’s still a pretty good chance of that-trash-bag-you’re-made-to-wear-as-clothing-getting-caught-in-the-chains, beheading. bit.ly/2HQggSl
Steve – So, guys, what are the pros of slavery? What? Can’t you think of any? Well, apparently a San Antonio, TX charter school, Great Hearts Monte Vista, had a teacher distribute a worksheet titled, “The Life of Slaves: A Balanced View”, where students were asked to list both the positives and negatives of slavery. After a student’s parent posted a pic of the worksheet on Facebook, the stupid bitch teacher was placed on leave and the school proceeded to backtrack the fuck out of that situation.
Aaron – Going back to Saudi… Europe… nope, just Europe. The Croatian Government voted on Friday to ratify the Council of Europe’s Convention on Preventing And Combating Violence Against Women And Domestic Violence, widely known as the Istanbul — formerly Constantinople — Convention. The move has been decried by Catholics as a step too far, labeling the anti-rape, not-even-a-law, as “backward.” The Catholic church plans to step in and end domestic violence by giving thought-bikes and iced prayer-cream to battered women, instead of actually helping.
Steve – Is the Ark Encounter sinking? Ken Hamm, purveyor of made-up history, doesn’t release attendance numbers, but guess what, the city of Williamstown, KY passed a 50¢/ticket safety fee, so they know exactly how many tickets are sold. Dan Phelps, the president of the KY Paleontological Society, keeps an eye on the numbers and so far this year, with just under 608K visitors, Hamm isn’t even halfway to reaching the 1.4M visitors he projected at the beginning, with only 3 months to go. I guess superstition and stupid isn’t the huge draw he’d expected.
These last two are patron exclusives, available now at http://patreon.com/w4w
Aaron – Every world traveler knows that when you visit an economically downtrodden, under-developed, nearly non-industrial society you should get vaccinated against any local infectious diseases lest you find yourself the victim of an otherwise manageable illness; relying on local folk traditions and spiritual healers to pull you through. And so local Departments of Health & Human Services have recommended preemptive Hepatitis A vaccinations before visiting Michigan and Kentucky. Both states are currently in the throes of outbreaks with Michigan seeing a nearly three-fold increase in the average number of Hep A infections. No numbers have been released from Kentucky, presumably because numbers above 10 is of the devil. bit.ly/2r1Xdup
Steve – How tasty are you? I’m betting that none of us are nearly as delectable as Grand Junction, Colorado’s Dylan McWilliams. How do I know this, well, a few days ago, he was surfing in Hawaii when he was bitten by a shark. He kicked like crazy back for the beach, trailing blood and worried the shark was following. He was stitched up and is all right. The thing is though, that Dylan is so yummy that a few months ago he was bitten and dragged 12 feet by a bear while camping in CO. He managed to scare it away and wasn’t hurt badly. Finally, a few years ago he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking in UT. If he’s as attractive to humans as he is to animals, he must never sleep alone.
This Week’s Stories
Second Half Conference
Can You Posses Me Now?
The Vatican is finally moving into the modern era!
Last week an 89-year-old priest, Ernest Simoni, lectured at the recent 13th annual weeklong “Exorcism and Prayer of Liberation” conference. Proclaiming that it was time to get tough on Satan, Ernest earnestly told people to yell “Shuta upa, Devil” into their phones to … you know … un-Devil people. Remotely. Because technology.
Never missing an opportunity to line its pockets, the Vatican charged 372$ for the class, and another 309$ if you wanted it translated out of traditional ancient, asshole-ese. The event was put on by the Pontifical University Regina Apostolorum… Apostolat… “Apostolanasium?”.. (Steve: it’s A-post-o-lorum Aaron, Jesus… ). Right, Jesus’s old house, the a-posta-lorem, which… I doubt many apostates actually lorem’d there, or ipsum’d their pasta [cough] anyway, it’s run by the Legionaries of Christ, a religious order recognized as conservative even among old Roman Catholic exorcists.
This year, nearly 300 grown-ass men who believe in casting out demons over the phone, blamed the internet for the uptick in possessions along with atheists and a growing view in the clergy that the church has been leading astray by that evil, forward-thinking, liberal, beatnick Pope Francis — lol.
During Monday’s keynote Cardinal Ernest Goes-To-The-Psych-ward Salomi gave important tips on correctly removing an imaginary demon from someone needing mental help, saying “pray without interruption,” then reminding the audience that “more than anything, chastity” was key. Though he didn’t specify if that chastity was for the lady spewing pea soup, or the priests, and if the latter, weather altar boys count.
When asked how priests might recognize a person with a mental disorder, rather than a chilling case of Beelzaboot, the Cardinal replied nonsensically “it’s important to differentiate between psychopathic illnesses, neurasthenia, pathologies,” continuing “Satan you can recognize.” So… I guess Satan is like porn, impossible to define, but easy to recognize when you see it… trying to get inside you.
The week’s activities might provide some insight, however. With great sessions like Tuesday’s “The Auxiliary Exorcist: Skills and Duties.” and Wednesday’s “Magical, Esoteric and Occult Links to Some Alternative and Energy-giving Therapies,” which is being simulcast on the GOOP as soon as they can figure out how to stuff the energy-giving event pamphlet into a hoo-haa. Most interesting perhaps is Wednesday’s talk on “Witchcraft in Africa.”
Despite Vatican fears of the “dark content huhmbmbububh” being infested with demons, they’ve had a rough go working with folks like Archbishop Emmanuel Milingo, of Zambia. He gained notoriety as a healer and exorcist in the 90s when he lived in Italy where he was known as the “witch doctor bishop.” He later married a Korean woman at a group wedding presided over by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon, and was excommunicated for ordaining four married men as priests — because that was the last straw…
Recently the Vatican has formally recognized an International Association of Exorcists (2014), which keeps its 250 or so members updated on the latest best practices in confronting the devil… Oh to get a copy of that newsletter… Apparently, Satan’s a grappler so you’re best bet is to hit and weave… you know, float like a butterfly, sting like the Vatican’s responses to child sex victims.
Father Simoni is glad to have the help though, as the American movie industry is partially to blame and is only growing! See, when you go to the movies you aren’t just getting popcorn and soda, you’re also getting demons “through the back of the brain,” … because that’s how movies work…?
In a recent documenta,ry Simoni can be seen doing a phone-based exorcism. Fighting the mighty wrath of Satan and AT&T’s long distance charges the priest can be seen vigorously fighting the demon saying things like “I exorcise you, Satan” signing off ominously with, “O.K., talk soon, and say hello to your husband for me.”
Apparent,ly they’ve done thousands of such exorcism despite them being against Vatican law. When asked about the laws, Pope Frank-n-furters said “Whoa? thata doucha whoa said I shoulda be killed ina 2015a? No, no, no, wea nota gonna worry about it unlessa it’sa boya going toa da pressa”
Dinosaur Adventure Land!
In 2009, the IRS took control of Dinosaur Adventure Land, Kent Hovind‘s Creationist theme park in Pensacola, Florida, so that they could sell it off and recover the money Hovind owed for committing tax fraud. (It was a sad day for, like, three people.) Hovind was sentenced to 10 years in prison and was eventually released in 2015. While there were attempts by Hovind’s son to buy back the property, that never worked out and the park has officially been closed since 2009. We,ll it’s been a few year and you know what that means… He’s at it again, Hovind has built another Dinosaur Adventure Land! This one is in Repton, Alabama, and the grand opening was this past weekend.
He has a wonderfully long 40 minute introduction video that paints a beautiful picture of what appears to be a knock off of Ark Encounter. I think even Ken Ham would be appalled. Oh i forgot to mention he was a high school science teacher for 15 years before starting creation science evangelism ministries. He uses “science experiments and activities to teach the bible is literally true,” Unfortunately none of these were on the video, “and the evolution theory is the dumbest religion in the history of the world.” Oh and dinos were around with adam and eve.
150 acres of nothing, couple lean-to’s and some camper hook ups, but don’t forget the plethora of fiberglass neon dinosaurs littered around the property too. But for ten dollars you can get a t-shirt and help to buy a piece of lumber for the next attraction, a bathroom maybe? And make sure and watch his great commercial that instead of inviting you to visit, please for you to send your first born to help build and your life savings for “SCIENCE.” Order now and we will push you in the river out back and call it baptism! “Make this the birthday into god’s family”
Ideas for upcoming attractions:
Baptism dunk tank
Genesis log flume
A childrens ride involving being mauled by bears
Sacrifice your kid booth
Crucifixion experience in 4D
Next Week’s Beer
Tree Shaker Imperial Peach IPA | Odell Brewing
From: Mr. Jenn
- Rating: 3.82/5
- ABV: 8%
- Style: American Double / Imperial
- Link: bit.ly/2HO4ub9
Faith In Humanity Restored
Running With Beer!
Beer Mile fundraiser brings in $1,000 for local veterans – bit.ly/2I4MLJS
Close to 50 people participated in a Beer Mile Fundraiser to help raise money for veterans in the Green Bay area.
“The VFW used to have liver fries and bingo and other things like that. So I was looking around and trying to find something unique for younger veterans,” said Suhonen, event organizer and vet.
“It is a one mile course and every quarter mile you get a beer along that and it’s four total beers. All the money raised will go to VFW Post 2037 in Green Bay,” said Galen Sherbon an organizer for the run.
This was the second year the organization hosted the event and they partnered with Titletown Brewing Co. to make it all happen.
“They gave us a phone call about eight months ago and they said we are going to plan this run for veterans and it’s going to be beer centered. Naturally we were like, yeah.”
We are going to get on board,” said Jeff Schermentzler a chef for Titletown Brewing Co. “You never want to have that go away and let them know that the community cares and it’s really a fun event.”
Saturday’s Beer Mile brought it $1000 and the VFW said they plan to have two more runs before the end of 2018.
Bonus Cat Video
10 Japanese Things America Needs – www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzmnrebAFp0
Pastry Chef Attempts To Make Gourmet Cheetos – www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2nY7Tu1Qgs
Dogs and Cats Playing | Unlikely Friends – www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBp3Jwd8Suw
Join The Discussion
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