In This Week’s Show, episode 189, we sign up for a bunch of soccer sex cults only to be goal-blocked by Skynet.
Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Litha (Some kind of Wiccan hippie Summer Solstice spirit god) hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying her patience!
Shea’s Life Lesson
Today I learned that peanut is a great way to describe the two things a penis can do.
Jenn’s Actual Lesson
Did you know I have a kitten now? Yes, I do. And he’s cutest murder floof ever.
But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!
This Week’s Beer
Sad Panda – Horse & Dragon Brewery
BA Link: bit.ly/2JPuOCH
BA Rating: 4.19/5
Style: American Stout
- Aaron: 10
- Jenn: 9
- Shea: 7
- Steve: 9
This Week’s Show
Round Table Discussion
New Beer Club Patron member – Meet the Crash Dummy!
New iTunes Review
I love and hate it!
I found you through Cognitive Dissonance and have been listening ever since. The humor is right up my ally so I love it. I hate it because I love beer, and I am now living in South Korea where all the beer is a variation of piss beer or really expensive, I can get Sierra Nevada, but it’s $42/6-pack. I’m from Montana where there is plenty of tasty local brews, and apparently crazy, as discussed in the last episode I listened to. Jenn is my spirit animal as we have similar beer preferences, and she gets special points for a Bill Bass reference.
2 New Stitcher Reviews
★★★★★ 5 out of 5 stars.
MANDY77 – Great Show!
This show covers a wide variety of topic and is always paired with a new beer. One thing I love about this show is that it comes from Wyoming and it is nice to know you aren’t alone in a sea of red. These guys know what it is like to be liberal/secular in a deeply conservative state. It is great to know I’m not alone.
★★★★★ 5 out of 5 stars.
Comedy, news, beer… Awesome!
Turns out you don’t need an account to rate on stitcher so I’m out of excuses. Great combination of personalities and topics. Comparisons to Cognitive Dissonance are well deserved. Give this one a listen!
Thanks again for coming out for a beer with us… and all the beer! And the glassware that we’re unboxing live!
And Aaron gets his own theme song from the Napkin Pope!
Aaron – Do sex-bots dream of electric MeToo Hashtags?
This show loves fake things, like woo-woo, the supernatural (not to be confused with Supernatural, the Scoobie crossover was great), and alligators, natures toothiest myth.
But we also love boobs. Specifically, a new model of fake model-boobs, codenamed Samantha. After years of stories of sex dolls-angels falling from the sky, robo-pimps opening brothels, and literally everyone who’s ever bought one of these forcing it to cosplaying sexy-Wonder Woman, we have an important update on the autonomy of autonomous sex machines.
Namely, they can now be put off or not in the mood. Congrats incels, now even the internet won’t fuck you. Samantha demonstrated her ability to say “no” to “stunned academics,” because if there’s one group of people not used to hearing “no” is upper class old white men who, I’m sure, where only there to read her manual. The Jennifer Lopez-esk sex-bot has sensors in her skin that will cause her to shut down if you’re too rough, disrespectful, or don’t take out the trash. She sports four settings, from “family” — yes really — to “romantic”, “sex”, and “extra naughty,” wherein she chastises you with a British accent for losing control of the colonies.
Bonus: here’s a picture of Samantha “saving” sex-doll developer Dr. Sergi’s Marriage…
Maybe “saved” means something else in Spain…
Steve – Barely accepted science standards are still standards. Three (get ready for the ad-hominem attack) dumbass Colorado Republican members of the state’s Board of Education, Steve Durham, Joyce Rankin, and Debora Scheffel, tried to keep Colorado from adopting the “Next Generation Science Standards” because they disliked that the standards treated climate change as a real phenomenon. Fortunately, cooler (smarter) heads prevailed, and the new standards passed 4-3 meaning that Colorado is the 39th state to do so.
Aaron – In I-can’t-believe-I-have-to-say-this news, if you think your vest is bulletproof, or your helmet is brick-proof, or your shirt is stab-proof, don’t fucking test it while you’re wearing it! Jordan Easton was in his friend’s kitchen last year when he decided to demonstrate the knife-proofness of his shirt. Before his friends or their parents could do anything to stop him, he demoed the knife-stopping potential of his shirt… unfortunately, like most shirts, it’s anti-knife qualities were lacking and he straight up stabbed himself in the abdomen. He was rushed to the hospital where he died. No word yet on who will be posting the video to YouTube, though I’m sure it will make someone rich…
Steve – Soccer is boring, so why not spice it up? Ever get that feeling while watching soccer (football) that you just aren’t into it? How about your lady-friend?. Well now, the Mexican underwear retailer Vickyform has just the solution. In a bid to get rabid fans girlfriends excited for the big games, they launched special undies that are tied to the game such that as the game gets exciting, the skivvies vibrate in kind to keep both people into the action (on screen). They launched the product with an ad that has sparked outrage on Mexican social media since it’s fucking sexist as hell. bit.ly/2KbRfC5
Aaron – And wrapping up god-damnit-I-said-don’t-do-that. Nazi shit.
For the sake of all our listeners and, apparently, Salt Lake-based soda maker Danny Ginsburg found of Real Soda, issued a semi-apology after her new line of sodas. “Not See Kola”, emblazoned with a stylized imperial eagle, “Orthodox Jooce”, and “Leninade” didn’t go over well at the local Macy’s. Ginsburg, a Jewish person themselves, first defended the move as a niche marketing idea, then a play on the word “Bundesadler” or “federal eagle” logo. Apparently, the other drinks have word-play-esk meanings as well, like chants about how Lenin lives, or something undefined to do with Passover. Still bewildered Ginsburg insists it’s all cool because he has that one orthodox, Russian, Nazi friend… But just to clear things up, if you think to yourself “hmmm, this needs more nazi,” you’re wrong. You’re always going to be wrong. Nazis aren’t cowbells, you don’t need more of them.
Steve – Another story from the department of fucking duh. According to a study published in the journal Environmental Politics, people who don’t believe that climate change is a real phenomenon are more likely to be Republican, white, and old. They are also more likely to be racist pricks too. Now, we know that correlation is not causation, but the correlation is fairly strong. Obama’s mentioning of climate change in a state of the union address and joining the Paris Climate Accord correlates with a significant increase of white Americans deciding that they were done believing in climate change. Same with health-care reform, in that many who supported it under the Clinton administration, switched their positions when Obama made it a priority. In the 1990’s, the gap between the parties in response to climate change was small, but today Democratic voters are twice as likely as Republicans to agree with the scientific consensus on climate change. bit.ly/2KbRgpD
Colorado Red – Snowbank Brewing
- BA Link: bit.ly/2JYJEYb
- BA Rating: 3.91/5
- Style: American Amber / Red Ale
- ABV: 7%
- Aaron: 8
- Jenn: 8
- Shea: 8
- Steve: 8
Patron Story: And you thought your girlfriend was crazy.
I’m shaking things up a bit and having a wacky story coming to us from Canada. Per the Montreal Gazette (and a myriad of other news sources), a young Canadian musician may have set the bar for clingy, crazy girlfriend stories.
Back in 2013 Eric Abramovitz was a McGill University student and was among the top ..˜ø 1clarinetists in Canada. Oh, he was also dating a young lady named Jennifer Lee (cue tense music). He studied with some of the country’s elite teachers from the age of seven. He won first prize at the Canadian Music Competition six times. He was a featured soloist with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra and the Orchestre Symphonique de Québec. He’s a talented dude is what I’m saying.
His goal was to finish out his Bachelor’s in LA at the prestigious Colburn Conservatory of Music. In late 2013 he applied to be accepted, which is a hell of a deal. Every student at Colburn receives a full scholarship, including tuition, room, and board as well as money for meals and other expenses, worth roughly $50,000 a year. In addition, if accepted, he would study under Yehuda Gilad, considered one of the best clarinet teachers on the planet. Gilad accepts two students a year out of dozens of applicants. To be chosen is virtually a guarantee of a high-paying symphony career directly out of college. After an exhaustive pre-screening process, Abramovitz flew to Los Angeles in February 2014 with his parents to do a live audition before Gilad and a committee of faculty members.
Unfortunately, just over a month later, Erik received an email from Gilad. He was not accepted into the program (cue sad music). Gilad did offer a partial scholarship of $5,000 to attend the music program at University of Southern California. Sadly, with an annual tuition cost of $51,000/annually, it was beyond what he could afford.
Abramovitz begrudgingly finished his program at McGill and ended his relationship with Jennifer Lee in September of 2014. You may think these two events aren’t related, BUT YOU”D BE WRONG!
After completing his Bachelor’s he entered a certificate program (not with a scholarship) at USC that allowed him to study part-time with Gilad. It was at the second of these sessions that an odd conversation occurred. Basically, it boiled down into a classical music version of ‘Who’s On First?’ as Gilad asked Abramovitz why he rejected him. Followed by Abramovitz asking why did YOU reject ME? And so on. Finally, after a surely wacky several minute back and to, Erik left highly confused. Later, he forwarded the email that he had received detailing his rejection and the offer of the smaller scholarship.
Gilad’s response? “I have never seen that before in my life.” (cue dramatic music) “That’s when I knew that something underhanded was afoot,” Abramovitz said.
He and a friend began some online sleuthing, one of which was trying to get to the bottom of the newly discovered fallacious email. On a whim, Erik entered a password of…ex-girlfriend, Jennifer Lee. “Miraculously, it logged right in,” he said. Her email was listed as the recovery email, her phone was the recovery phone. “We felt like Sherlock Holmes.”
THE PLOT THICKENS! Well, it had already been pretty thick, but now it’s like a smoothie with no added yogurt and maybe some peanut butter. Turns out, Ms. Lee was not keen on her boyfriend realizing his life dreams because it would take him away from her. She created not only a fake email address posing as Yehuda Gilad (with a small enough scholarship offer that she knew her sweetie could never afford it), but also posed as Erik in a rejection email to Gilad. Abramovitz also said she did a similar thing involving fake emails with his successful application to the Juilliard School in New York, causing him to decline it.
After connecting the dots and self-searching to see if he could ever learn to trust again, Abramovitz decided to sue Glenn Close for $300,000 in general damages, including for loss of reputation, loss of educational opportunity and loss of two years of income potential.
As happy of an ending has happened. This week it was announced that Ontario Superior Court Judge David L. Corbett ruled in his favor, even throwing in an additional $50,000 “against Ms. Lee for her despicable interference in Mr. Abramovitz’s career.
“I accept and find that Mr. Abramovitz lost a unique and prestigious educational opportunity, one that would have advanced his career as a professional clarinetist,” Corbett wrote. “It is difficult to quantify such a loss. Mr Abramovitz’s life and career have continued. Imagining how his life would have been different if he had studied for two years under Mr. Gilad, and earned his teacher’s respect and support, requires more speculation than the law permits. One hears … of the ‘big breaks’ that can launch a promising artist to a stratospheric career.
“I cannot speculate as to how high and how quickly Mr. Abramovitz’s career might have soared, but for the interference by Ms. Lee. But the law does recognize that the loss of a chance is a very real and compensable loss.”
So, fellas, I’m sure we’ve all had at least one mega-crazy, but hopefully, none of us have experienced someone willing to destroy everything we’ve worked our entire lives to achieve because they don’t want to date long-distance.
This Week’s Second Half
Blood Orange Wit – Refuge Brewery
- BA Link: bit.ly/2JYJFvd
- BA Rating: 3.85/5
- Style: Witbier
- ABV: 5%
- Aaron: 8
- Jenn: 7
- Shea: 9
- Steve: 4
I finally finished Far Cry 5 and… damn. Those Peggies really had it coming. But what are the odds of a group like the Peggies landing in America?
Better than you want them to be.
Let’s explore a few of the nuttiest cults google told me were real.
Founded in 1954 by a former British taxi driver George King (1919-97), Aetherius is a New Age religion whose belief systems are built around the idea that a series of “Cosmic Masters” who like Jesus, is from the planet Venus and control the fate of humanity.
They focus heavily on prayer and “spiritually charging” the Earth to make way for the “Next Master, a messianic figure who will descend to earth in a flying saucer armed with “magic” more powerful than “the combined materialistic might of all the armies.”
Of course, if Jesus is from Venus… also Buddha… then clearly Aetherius and Krishna come from Saturn, home of the Interplanetary Parliament who controls the Cosmic Hierarchy responsible for evolution. I mean, obviously right?
Hoi No Hana Sangpogyo
A modern Japanese sect that is often referred to as the “foot reading cult” is based on the claim that its founder — the reincarnation of Jesus Buddha Christ — can diagnose follower’s problems by reading their feet. According to his methods, traits like short toes indicate short tempers and fat toes men your life will be full of good fortune. D’uh. Of course, these inspections are not free. At nearly a million dollars to ensure the health of the read. Four years ago, some of Fukunaga’s followers began to defect, and 1,000 of them eventually filed lawsuits. Fukuoka District Court Judge Motoaki Kimura recently proclaimed the cult legally responsible for defrauding its followers and ordered it to pay U.S.$2.12 million to 27 former members. Four years ago, some of Fukunaga’s followers began to defect, and 1,000 of them eventually filed lawsuits. Fukuoka District Court Judge Motoaki Kimura recently proclaimed the cult legally responsible for defrauding its followers and ordered it to pay U.S.$2.12 million to 27 former members.
The Chen Tao, or True Way Cult
This one is a doozy. It would probably make a good made for tv movie…
Created by former professor and person who needs medication, Hon-Ming Chen, says that the Earth is 4.5 trillion years old, because billion is so last week, and that our solar system is the result of a galactic nuclear war — presumably between Zenu and the Lord Frieza — and that humanity has been rescued by god on nearly 5 occasions via his amazing flying saucer.
The group lost some steam though when the 1998 prophecy of its leader failed to unfold. According to Hon-Ming, god would appear on a single TV channel in North America, whether you have cable or not, at 12:01 am on March 31st. And since that didn’t happen… he doubled down saying that god would physically descend in the town of Garland Texas. And yeah… that also didn’t work… womp womp. bit.ly/2KaPKE5
The Order of the Phoenix… Solar temple…
This secret society’s beliefs and activities involved a mix of early Christianity, UFOs, New Age philosophy and Freemason rituals. They were pretty sure that death was an illusion and that life continued on other worlds… I guess they sold the rights to that last part to the Mormons. They were a nonviolent cult, that is, until the infant son of one of its members was sacrificed in one of the group’s lodges because he was believed to be the Antichrist. Most of the group then killed themselves in their ceremonial robes. And those who didn’t kill themselves were found shot… in their ceremonial robes.
Originally formed in Saskatchewan in 1902 after a fracturing of different religious groups who had fled Russia to escape persecution, the Freedomites insist on three different things: communal living, nudity, and anarchy. They did a lot of naked protesting of traditional marriage, fucking breeders, and bombed a few buildings because hey why not. Terrorism took the form of arson and bombings of Doukhobor homes, government buildings, churches, schools, and railroad bridges and switches. Most of this was the work of the Sons of Freedom, Doukhobor extremists whose ideas emphasize communal living and action, ecstatic religious doctrine, and anarchic attitudes towards external regulation. All in all, a great reason not to put “Freedom” in your name, it never ends well.
Combining extreme and idiosyncratic interpretations of religions ranging from Buddhism to Christianity, Aum was founded in 1984 and considered fairly controversial from the beginning for its doomsday prophecies, which involved a third World War, instigated by the US… so, actually not looking that crazy just right at the moment. So they’re weird, but then it got nasty. Apparently, the induction rituals were super fucked up, including murdering people who wanted to leave… I assume for their parking spot. They were officially declared a terrorist group after coordinating a sarin gas attack on five trains in the Tokyo subway system that killed 13 and affected more than 1000 in 1995.
I feel I should provide this info on the Japanese terror group, the Monster with 21 Faces. It was actually several food companies targeted.
The Glico Morinaga case (グリコ・森永事件, Guriko, Morinaga jiken), also known by its official designation Metropolitan Designated Case 114 (警察庁広域重要指定第114号事件, Keisatsuchō kōiki jūyō shitei dai-hyakujūyongō jiken), was a famous extortion case in 1980s Japan, primarily directed at the Japanese industrial confectioneries Ezaki Glico and Morinaga, and currently remains unsolved. The entire case spanned 17 months from the initial kidnapping of the president of Glico to the last known communication from the prime suspect, a person or group known only as “The Monster with 21 Faces”.
The Creativity Movement
Based in Illinois, The Creativity Movement was formed in 1973 by the late racist Ben Klassen under the name Church of the Creator (COTC) to unite white people through a common “racial religion.” While much of their belief system involves a naturalist philosophy and abiding by an extremely healthy lifestyle, their supreme value is that what is good for white people is the highest good. As you might suspect, they’re a bunch of fucking Nazis. Klassen, a former Florida state legislator and inventor of one version of the electric can opener, eventually followed his furor’s lead and committed suicide in 1993 by swallowing four bottles of sleeping pills. However, the group is still active and still listed on the SPLC’s hate group list.
Founded on the island of Tanna in the South Pacific, this fascinating cult revolves around the image of an American World War II serviceman, who is thought to bring wealth and prosperity to the isolated island. It originated in the early ’40s when 300,000 American troops were stationed in the area and armed with tons of supplies and cargo related to their mission. The troops eventually left along with much of their gear, but the followers of John Frum held out hope that they’d return, building symbolic landing strips to encourage other American planes to stop by and bring goods. This is one of the first cargo-cults of its era, something I talk about on an episode of Atheism 101… one of them, I guess you’ll have to work your way through the back catalog.
Next Week’s Beer
Redacted Rye IPA – Renegade Brewing
- BA Link: bit.ly/2lnYwRj
- BA Rating: 3.82/5
- Style: IPA
- ABV: 7%
Faith In Humanity Restored
Ghana eliminates trachoma, freeing millions from suffering and blindness
The World Health Organization (WHO) today congratulated Ghana for having eliminated trachoma as a public health problem, two decades after the World Health Assembly resolved to tackle the leading infectious cause of blindness. The announcement comes the day after a commitment from Pfizer, the manufacturer of Zithromax (azithromycin) to extend their donation programme for the antibiotic until 2025, if required, to finish the task of global trachoma elimination.
“It’s been 20 years since the global health community committed to eliminating trachoma worldwide” said WHO Director-General, Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus. “Although there’s more work to do elsewhere, the validation of elimination in Ghana allows another previously heavily-endemic country to celebrate significant success.”
Ghana is the first country in WHO’s African Region to achieve this milestone.
“This success is a result of a tremendous amount of hard work by thousands of health, education and development workers to improve the lives of individuals with trachoma and their families”, said Mr Kwaku Agyemang-Manu, Ghana’s Minister of Health. “The Government of Ghana is enormously grateful to its staff and to the many partners that have joined forces with us to eliminate trachoma and the cycle of poverty it triggers.”
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