Episode 197 – The One Where We Finally Retire Our Tin Foil Hats… Mostly

In This Week’s Show, episode 197, we choke on nachos still laughing at Alex Jones crazy Affluenza.

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Nachigai (the earth goddess of Central Asia) hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying her patience!

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week I learned that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Did you that Nachigai (aka as Etugen), was invoked by the people for good weather, an abundance of crops and animals and general prosperity.

But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

Kiwi Berliner | WeldWerks Brewing Co. Greeley, Co

Papa Shea

  • BA Link: bit.ly/2NOGGDi
  • BA Rating: 3.92/5
  • Style: Berliner Weissbier
  • ABV: 4.3%
  • Aaron: 1
  • Jenn: 3
  • Shea: 7
  • Steve: 4

This Week’s Show

Round Table Discussion

No new reviews or patrons, but Jaded Zappa has upgraded to Beer Club Member, which is good because soon that will actually mean something!

But thanks very much to RW for beer and James & Susan for cider and fun toys.

Hotshots

Shea– Ahhhhhrachnids

Florida woman arrested after running through park naked believing to be chaste (chased) by giant spiders. Danielle Teeples, 40, had recently used crack, spice and crystal meth. No word on if she took enough to be able to fold a starship through space. She stated she believed a giant spider was on her so she took her clothes off to get away from it. She is currently in jail facing charges of exposure of sexual organs.

bit.ly/2MlqYD9

Steve – How about a life sentence? In a shocking and sad testament to zealotry, a young couple in Michigan relied on god to keep their 10-month-old baby alive. Sadly god did nothing and the baby died of severe malnutrition. The parents, Tatiana Elena Fusari and Seth Michael Welch, both 27, said they were aware of the child’s low weight and skinny appearance for about a month, but did nothing. Fearing that CPS would take their other children and citing a lack of trust in medicine, they apparently just chose to allow the child to die rather than intervene. Now, they’ve both been charged with first-degree murder, they lost their other children, and they face life in prison w/o the possibility of parole. bit.ly/2MiVldI

Shea– They’re after his booty

A man in a pirate mask, complete with a fake eye patch, beard, and parrot, is suspected of stealing a safe from a Cornelius business last month, according to the Washington County Sheriff’s Office. More than $4,000 in cash was believed to be inside. Deputies reviewed surveillance footage and saw the man enter the business after hours. He wore a T-shirt only across his shoulders and held a fire extinguisher. Now deputies serving the small city are asking for help finding the costumed suspect, dubbed the “Masked Pirate” burglar. No word on whether they will make him walk the plank or keelhaul him.

bit.ly/2nKhfI7

Steve – What do you think of when I say, “little blue pill”? (responses). Boners are usually the response that one would expect. Now, research at Columbia University in New York suggests that in addition to that nice firm stiffy one can get from Viagra, it has also been shown effective in treating age-related macular degeneration, which is a leading cause of blindness. The disease is caused by a growth of new blood vessels in the eye which eventually block the macula leading to a severe decrease in visual acuity. The small study showed that Viagra helps with the underlying issue which, as one would expect, is reduced of blood flow in an area of the eye. Viagra is good at improving blood flow. No word on whether the test subjects suffered from increased boner-related issues. dailym.ai/2MiBVpl

Shea- Affluenza is spreading!

A South Carolina woman tried to get out of a ticket by claiming clean purebred whiteness. Lauren Elizabeth Cutshaw, 32, was charged with a number offenses, including drunken driving, speeding and marijuana possession, after an early Saturday traffic stop in Bluffton, South Carolina. A breathalyzer test showed Cutshaw’s blood-alcohol level at 0.18. During the course of the arrest, Cutshaw gave a number of reasons why she shouldn’t be jailed, some of which were used as evidence of her intoxication. Her excuses included; She is a “very clean, thoroughbred, white girl.” She was a cheerleader and in a sorority. Her partner is a police officer. She had good grades, was in the National Honor Society and graduated from a “high accredited university.” No word on if she has made bail or was let out for being white.

bit.ly/2MlL8x1

This Week’s Stories

Alex Jones Part 2 … the reJonesining\

6.) CPS (Child Protective Services) is actually a front for a huge, multi-national child slavery ring.

Ding ding! Straight from his gaping maw: “They’ve got operations so big, grabbin your kids, they CPS ’em right out, Child Protection Services, they’re on a jet, to one of — two dozen countries. And they are slaved out. And lotta times when they hit 25 years old, they — y’know, 10,000 men have had sex with ’em, they’ve had 30, 40 abortions, they’ve been used up in ways that are so hellish you can’t even imagine, [slaps table] they just walk ’em right out, shoot ’em in the back of the head, and throw ’em in a vat of acid. That’s how they roll, just massive, MASSIVE murder operations.”

7.) Juice boxes are part of a government initiative to turn kids gay.

Of course! It’s probably part of Bill Gates plan! The government is putting “estrogen mimickers” in juice and water to turn kids gay, to help with the planet’s depopulation. (In fact, the runoffs from these chemical-making factories is what is turning numbers of frogs gay. Yup.)

8.) Justin Beiber is a driving force behind making children mindless slaves and ushering in a total police state.

Alex is ALL about this one. “”They tell your kids that you gotta love Justin Biebler,[sic] and then Biebler[sic] says hand in your guns, pass the cybsersecurity act, and, uh, y’know, uh, the police state is good, and, and then your children are turned into mindless vassals, and they look up to some twit instead of looking up to Thomas Jefferson or looking up to Nikola Tesla or looking up to, uh, to Magellan. [waving arms] I MEAN, KIDS, MAGELLAN IS A LOT COOOOOLER THAN JUSTIN BIEBER — I MEAN, HE CIRCUMNAVIGATED, WITH ONE SHIP, THE ENTIRE PLANET, HE WAS KILLED BY WILD NATIVES BEFORE THEY GOT BACK TO PORTUGAL AND WHEN THEY GOT BACK THERE WAS ONLY LIKE 11 PEOPLE ALIVE OF THE 200-SOMETHING CREW, AND THE ENTIRE SHIP WAS ROTTING DOWN TO THE WATER LINE. That’s destiny, that’s will, that’s being a trailblazer and explore.[sic] Going into space, mathematics, quantum mechanics, the secrets of the universe— it’s all there! Life is fiery in its beauty, its incredible detail! [unclear] THEY WANNA SHUTTER YOUR MIND, TALKING ABOUT JUSTIN BIEEEBERRR! It’s PURE EVIL! IT’S TYRANNY, PEOPLE! They’re taking your intellect, your soul,, and they’re giving you Michael Jordan and BIEBER!”

9.) The Red Hen (the restaurant in Lexington, VA that refused to serve Sarah Huckabee-Sanders) is located at, in an address to rival the Munsters’ for subtlety, 666 East Washington.

Sadly, the author of this fake news is unknown, but they created a fake Yelp review and started the circulation of this beauty of an advertisement:

10.) Carrie Fisher was murdered to boost sales for the (at the time) upcoming Star Wars film.

Yes, he went there. Because, y’know, the Star Wars phenomena needs all the funding support it can get. (The asshole posted the video ‘Carrie Fisher Dead at 60 —What Really Happened?’ the DAY AFTER she passed. Because he’s a sentient shit-stain.)

11.) Melania Trump hired an exorcist to purge the White House of the demons and remove “demonic idols and images” left behind by the Obamas.

Nope, False Flag. Despite touting the apparently unlimited power of high level Satanists all over the world, this did not come from Jones. The ‘don’t click any link from this website’ site YourNewsWire published an article detailing the purging by quoting (apparently not really a) Pastor Paul Begley. “After the First Lady had finished removing pagan and demonic items, only one thing was left — a cross on the wall. The White House is now free of all pagan gods and idols, and contains only Christian iconography.” Which is probably true.

12.) Liberal Lesbians secretly desire to be hunky, violent domestic abusers, to look like James Dean, and possibly be serial killers.

Oh yeah, totally! This quote goes more unhinged than usual, and well…you know. I wanted to end this on a high note:

“Most of the so-called ‘liberal lesbians’ and all these groups, they just wanna have the guy with the ducks ass haircut, and the James Dean outfit. And, sure, James Dean wasn’t slapping girls around, but they wanna be the ones slapping the girls around and statistically it shows it. I’m not blaming all lesbians, but it shows that most of these butch lesbians, they wanna be the guy smacking the hot chick around, they think that’s manly. And a lot of the chicks, they like it, see, ’cause no man will do that to ’em, and I’m not saying it’s good if a man does that, but some women like it, and if they can’t find a man to smack ’em around, well they found them a girl gonna do it real good. Knock ’em upside their head. And they have ‘Fifty Shades of Gray’ about the sexy rich guy that’s gonna chain you up. ‘Course you’re gonna go get chained up one time, they’re gonna put that devil mask or that piggy mask on and they’re gonna say, ‘Now I’m gonna torture you for about six weeks, so start begging for your mommy and your daddy.’ That’s the liberals. They wanna get you in a dungeon. They wanna strap you down and take a buzz saw and chop the top of your head off like a pumpkin and pull it off and get a little spoon and go, when you’re looking in the mirror, this is one thing I know they like to do, and they go, ‘I’m gonna eat your brains now, [maniacal laughter]. Let’s start, let’s start at the side areas here, ’cause we don’t wanna take away your sight at the back or your thinking in the front, I’m gonna eat your cerebral cortex last [maniacal laughter], ’cause I’ve got POWER, I LOVE SATAN, AND I’M GONNA SUCK YOU DRY AND I’M GONNA TORTURE YOU TO DEATH!”

Patreon Story

Ok, I know I like to joke about being Canadian and all but a big part of that is that everyone gets along with Canadians… Except for Trump I guess. And Saudi Arabia.

Good company to be in…

So, Saudi Arabia.

Keeping it brief, there’s a dispute between Canada and S.A. See, Canada would prefer that Saudi Arabia have… anything even close to resembling a human rights law, and also Arabia would prefer that Canada go fuck itself.

Canada’s Foreign Policy Twitter account posted recently:

Canada is gravely concerned about additional arrests of civil society and women’s rights activists in #SaudiArabia, including Samar Badawi. We urge the Saudi authorities to immediately release them and all other peaceful #humanrights activists.

8:10 AM – Aug 3, 2018

And Saudi Arabia replied as if it had been assaulted by a naked, barren, literate, gay woman with ideas of her own saying “KSA through its history has not and will not accept any form of interfering in the internal affairs of the Kingdom.”

Also announcing it would be suspending all new trade and investment transactions with Canada and taking its ball and going home.

Escalating international tensions Saudi Arabia then tweeted… because fuck it, that’s now nations communicate now… “We consider the Canadian ambassador to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia persona non grata and order him to leave within the next 24 hours”.

Then, like that one kid you know who’s real fucking dumb and really doesn’t understand what’s going on around them declared that any further tweeted “attempt[s] to interfere with our internal affairs from Canada,” — here’s the part where an entire nation effectively says “you ate my popsicle so that means I get your lunch” — “means that we are allowed to interfere in Canada’s internal affairs.”

Meanwhile, at the adult table Canada replied that “Canada will always stand up for the protection of human rights, very much including women’s rights, and freedom of expression around the world. Our government will never hesitate to promote these values and believes that this dialogue is critical to international diplomacy.”

So Saudi Arabia froze all trade with Canada, reserved the right take further action — which I assume means not letting Canada play street hockey in front of it’s house because its mom doesn’t like the noise and will totally beat its ass you guys — and then recalled thousands of scholarship students from Canada because nothing says “I told you so” like fucking thousands of your own future leaders out of an education that extends beyond the Quran.

Then a Saudi political youth group tweeted this image:

For the listeners at home, that’s a black and white skyline of Toronto focused on the CN tower (a tall-ass Canadian building of northern note) with a fucking plane flying right at it and a caption reading “As the Arabic saying goes: “He who interferes with what doesn’t concern him finds what doesn’t please him”, which is an odd way of saying “don’t tell us not to murder women!”

So, the 9/11 overtones did not go unnoticed.

It was posted on the Twitter account of Infographic KSA which, according to its website, is a Saudi youth organization made up of volunteers interested in technology. The Infographic KSA account is verified by Twitter and has over 350,000 followers, with another 88,000 on Instagram. It has a history of posting messages that are supportive of the Saudi government.

It has a loose affiliation with the Saudi government. Which is to say that they get retweets when they say things Saudi likes, and lashes when they do — see human rights violations at the top of the article.

After the internet fucking blew up at them, KSA deleted the tweet and posted “The aircraft was intended to symbolize the return of the ambassador,” read the tweet. “We realize this was not clear and any other meaning was unintentional.” Which is… something I guess. Though it makes one wonder why, if it’s about the ambassador coming nome, the plane is flying toward Canada… but hey, logic need not apply eh.

Following what was, I imagine, a torrent of complaints of “What the terrorist fuck?” the Saudi government tweeted, again because apparently, that’s how kings, tyrants, and Kardashians alike communicate these days, that it was investigating the group, saying “The ministry has ordered the owner of the account to shut it down until investigations are completed.”

Amarnath Amarasingnam, a senior research fellow at the Institute for Strategic Dialogue, said it is difficult to say but the organization seems to be connected to the Saudi media ministry but did say that it “seems to exist solely to turn Saudi government press releases into pretty infographics for social media.”

For its part, when asked, Canada declined to comment, slowly walking away shaking its head wondering what the world has come to…

Next Week’s Beer

Buffalo Sweat | Tallgrass Brewing Co.

From: RW

  • BA Link: bit.ly/2MhZezs
  • BA Rating: 3.88/5
  • Style: Milk / Sweet Stout
  • ABV: 5%

Faith In Humanity Restored

Xu Weifang has a home in Zhutang China. It’s near s small river.

When he heard someone crying for help outside from the river he and his wife rushed outside and found an 8-year-old boy struggling to swim. He’d been playing with his grandmother and fell in. Despite his age and recent serious injuries, Xu jumped into the water to save the boy. And save the boy he did.

They then took the boy to the hospital to get checked out where the boy’s father thanked him. Awkwardly. Because he knew Xu. Turns out that some 30 years prior, hear cries for help from the same river Xu had then, as had recently, rushed out to the river and dove in to save a drowning boy… the father.

Having saved two generations of the same family, and some three or four others over the years, Xu has become something of a local hero. And rightly so!

Here’s to Xu!

As he is now 80 years old Xu worries that he won’t be able to save the next person who needs help. But, if I may, it sounds to me like buying that family some fucking swimming lessons might just let him retire in peace.

bit.ly/2MnaN8m

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