In This Week’s Show, episode 203, we mount a mammoth expedition to Arizona’s Nazi country, so we can ‘splain now bananas they are.
Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because while Tlāhuizcalpantecuhtli (I don’t know what he is a god of I just want to hear Steve pronounce this) hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying their patience!
Shea’s Life Lesson
This week I learned that “Work Bitch” by Britney Spears was released five years ago. In 2013 the unemployment rate was 7.5% and now in 2018, it’s 4%, coincidence? I think not!
Jenn’s Actual Lesson
No Jenn today, she decided to check her blood pressure at the machine in Walmart and got her head stuck in it.
Now she’s not allowed back to Walmart and has to hunt and gather her groceries — she is currently in the wilderness getting a gallon of milk.
But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!
This Week’s Beer
Dod Snow – dual story beers:
– Farmers daughter
- BA Link: http://bit.ly/2N5iKe0
- BA Rating: 3.84/5
- Style: American Pale Ale (APA)
- ABV: 4.5%
- Aaron: 5
- Shea: 8
- Steve: 6
- Fire & fury
- BA Link: http://bit.ly/2o4qgvx
- BA Rating: 3.91/5
- Style: American Amber / Red Ale
- ABV: 5%
- Aaron: 8
- Shea: 8
- Steve: 6
This Week’s Show
Round Table Discussion
No new patrons… how will you join us on the Discords if you’re not a patron!?
New show ‘feel/style’ – this week we’re doing something a bit different with the show – but we’re not saying what – let us know if the format/feel/etc of the show seems improved, the same, weird, whatever impression it leaves you with.
Today’s Twitter question:
Is a mini-muumuu just a dress? Also, which pokemon would you make wear it?
Bonus points, if you answered “Yeti-mon” what pattern would best bring out the bloodshot in Shea’s eyes?
Allen formerly of Pennsylvania.
Do yetis enjoy the company of unicorns?
September 8, 2018, by Beer Club Member Amie W.
First of all, 11/10 stars or BA points or something like that. Speaking of spirit animals! You silly maple syrup loving hoser, Aaron you are my spirit animal. Also, I follow all the anime and just overall nerdcore references that you make. Don’t you worry your pretty art degree head. I have an art degree as well, and now I paint pretty pictures on stripper’s nails for all their dirty dollars (aka I am a nail tech). So I feel your pain with convos with other degree owners as far as that goes. But let’s get to the point here. Mrs. and Mr. Yeti, how much does one have to donate to become your magical unicorn? Asking for a friend….. also officially a Patreoner as of this morning. I would have done it sooner, but procrastination and things. I make everyone at the salon listen to your podcast over the salon speakers as long as there are no scary flat earthers present. (It’s Oklahoma. There are a lot.) Jenn, I grew up in a very, very similar environment as you. As well as the similar college experience. Thank you for opening up about these things. Thank you for being a female example of not allowing the patriarchy to smother your power! Big Gay Jim, I just want to cuddle you and your fam and have play dates with our kids (mine 3). Grandpa Steve, I’m going to be real for a sec. You got that Richard Gere thing going for you. Just saying. Take that however you would like. Aaaaannnndddd SPEAKING OF SUBJECT CHANGE!! Keep doing your thing and get all the drunk!!
Creepy Uncles For Sale… bit.ly/2N7XG6v
Finally, job options for creepy uncles with nothing better to do than sit around and freak people out…
Parents in Korea are taking a… unique… approach to bullying. They’re hiring fake uncles. The “Uncle Service” – which you should definitely not google because what you find won’t’ be this story – has three basic packages. The “Uncle Package” wherein you hire someone for about 500$ a day to take your kid to school and pretend to be a relative willing to beat up other kids… think Uncle Buck. The second package doesn’t involve getting in anyone’s face, it’s far creepier. In the “Evidence Package” the uncle takes the kid to work then hangs around with secretive recording devices trying to get video of bullying. And then, somehow without getting arrested, the uncle takes that footage to the school and demands action! That’ll run ya about 350. Finally, there’s the “Chaperone Package” which doesn’t involve chaperoning. The uncle identifies your kids bully, then goes to the bully’s parent’s place of work and yells at them, then stands outside with a sign shaming them for raising a bully. Which will only cost you about 1700$?
No More munchies – bit.ly/2N6SKz0
Some of you have probably seen Dr. Brian Wansink’s food shows, read his books and articles, or have seen a meme at the very least, all based on his fantastical food research. He’s the guy who found that eating on an 8″ plate rather than a 12″ plate will help you eat less… Yeah, well it turns out that some of his work is horseshit – and not the good organic kind he would advocate. In recent days the “Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and associated journals announced it was retracting” six of his most notable articles, bringing the now redacted article count to 13, citing “that it had “ongoing concerns about the validity” of his work. They asked him to furnish his evidence… he then mumbled something about a dog eating it… They asked Cornell who said “[they] regret that, because we do not have access to the original data, we cannot assure you that the results of the studies are valid,” so… Yeah. All of these troubles can be traced back to a 2016 blog post wherein Brian said “this cost us a lot of time and our own money to collect. There’s got to be something here we can salvage because it’s a cool (rich & unique) data set.’ I had three ideas for potential Plan B, C, & D directions (since Plan A had failed),”which the rest of his industry reminded him is called p-hacking at best, or data-dredging at worst. So say goodbye to his career and welcome back giant 12” American buffet plates! USA, USA, USA…
That’s Bananase! – Available now at Patreon.com/w4w!
And not the delightful bananaise Isaac Toups – celebrity chef-owner of Toup’s Meatery, chef-curator of the Southern Food & Beverage Museum in Central City, and Top Chef’s only openly atheist contestant. Apparently, prisons know their bananas, and no, that’s not some terrible double entendre! Not wanting inmates to suffer a lack of potassium, someone dropped off a two-pallet shipment of bananas at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice this week… The bananas were unclaimed at the shipment location, which, I assume, means that someone labeled “recipient” was super-murdered. Why? well, as law enforcement immediately realized, the pallets of bananas were far too heavy. Opening up the crates the officers found boxes of bananas… 540 of which were full of nothing but cocaine! “Sometimes, life gives you lemons. Sometimes, it gives you bananas,” the Department of Criminal Justice wrote on its Facebook page. “And sometimes, it gives you something you’d never expect!” The total value of the nanner-powder is estimated at $17,820,000… which is why I’m sure whoever this package was meant for, is real deeed.
Lobsters are great, but as Snooki says, the problem is that they’re alive when you kill them. Fortunately for lobsters almost everywhere, but mostly in Maine, Charlotte Gill’s Legendary Lobster Pound has a solution. And that solution is to pre-smoke the lobsters… out. Smoke them out. He put them in pot-water. Searching for a more humane way to boil something alive Gill set out to do some stress tests on a lobster he named Roscoe. I should probably say now that Gill is also a licensed medical marijuana caregiver (which it seems is actually a title) and, so he put two great taste… he put one great taste and one skunky smell, together! Roscoe was put in a box with a few inches of water through which was filtered in enough weed to make Cheech blush. Following the experiment, Gill noted that Roscoe became less he even stopped attacking other lobsters despite his claws not being bound. Roscoe was eventually freed as a “thank you” for being a test subject, unfortunately, Homaridae recidivism is a real problem, and now we have to declare war on drugs… under the sea, where everything is better, and the seaweed is always greener…
Themes… – bit.ly/2zAF37Y
Our show has a few themes… beer is good, crocodiles aren’t real,.. you literally never need more Hitler…
To that last one, you especially don’t need Hitler giving you a confused boner. Russia’s popular Facebook clone – Vkontakte, a topsy-turvy place where trolls confuse Russians – has caved under pressure to remove promotional pages for this year’s Miss Hitler competition.
Yep, that’s a thing that this terrible bizarro world has.
The competition, which invites shitty people to vote on which shitty person is the hot-shittiest from Sept. 1st to Oct 31st., is… umm… well that’s really the scope of it actually. If you’re a lady, a fan of Hitler, and willing to show people your underwear, this is the event for you. “Zee contest iz a part of zee network of souzands of Nazi sympathizers avound zee globe,” [creative emphasis-spelling mine] the Vocativ.com outlet wrote on Sept. 8. Entries included U.S., Italian and Russian contestants who submitted photographs of themselves giving Nazi salutes, posing in front of swastikas and displaying other Nazi insignia. Following complaints from fucking everyone the site took down the pageant page and the group, which advertised itself as promoting “the beauty of Hitlerian culture.” For those wondering, and you really shouldn’t be, A German contestant called “Miss Skuld” was winning when last the numbers were visible. Fun fact, she’s every angry, Arian, dominatrix ever…
Music! It’s witchy…
A witchy woman. See how high she flies… on her broom. Because Beyonce is a witch, and Kimberly Thompson, Beyoncé’s former drummer, alleges in a lawsuit that sparks fly from her fingertips. Kim says there are some rumors going , someone’s underground, practicing “extreme witchcraft” and “magic spells of sexual molestation” to harass her. Also Beyoncé allegedly “murdered [her] pet kitten”… which is at least a verifiable claim. In an email to a “news” agency who this being called Pitchfork is a good idea, Thompson confirmed that accuracy of the documents when every reporter who saw them inquired “da-fuq?” by replying “All accusations… I survived are real,” which seems like a clarification that causes your lawyer to produce crazy laughter in another room.
This Week’s Stories
Blood is only thicker than water if you aren’t thick.
Shea’s Gosars All Out For The Patrons – Available Now At Patreon.com/w4w
Paul Gosar, from the most conservative wing of the Republican Party, is standing in Arizona for re-election to the House of Representatives in November. Paul has lots of interesting ideas and as a Congressman he has a stage to stand on to spout his intimidating rhetoric.
In the past, Gosar has attempted to oust EPA spokeswoman Gina McCarthy over made up high crimes. Boycotted Pope Francis when he spoke about climate change and not Planned Parenthood and violent Islam. Promoted the Charlottesville false flag theory, where the Unite the Right rally in 2017 was a left-wing plot to undermine the Trump. And most recently claimed that George Soros, a high profile Dem supporter, is a Nazi collaborator. Soros, for the record, is from a Hungarian Jewish family that survived the Holocaust before emigrating to the US.
Well, his siblings have had enough! Now six of his nine siblings have put their support behind his Democratic opponent David Brill in a new television advert disparaging their brother.
The speakers on the advertisement are introduced by the first name only with Grace, a rural physician, stating “Paul Gosar the Congressman isn’t doing anything to support rural America”.
Jennifer, a medical interpreter, chimes in: “if he actually cared about people in rural Arizona, I bet he’d be fighting for social security, for better access to healthcare”.
“He is not listening to you – and he does not have your best interests at heart,” says Tim, before adding: “My name is Tim Gosar”.
This is not the first time his siblings have clashed, after the accusations of George Soros seven of his siblings signed an open letter to a local Arizona newspaper, The Kingman Daily Miner, saying: “We are aghast that Paul has sunk so low that he now spews the most despicable slander against an 87-year-old man without a shred of proof.” “Those aren’t our family values or the values of the small Wyoming town we grew up in. … It is extremely upsetting to have to call you out on this, Paul, but you’ve forced our hand with your deceit and anti-semitic dog whistle.”
Paul is on the defensive and told KFYI-AM that “it does sting” that his siblings turned against him in the ads. “You know, blood is supposed to be thicker than water,” Gosar told the radio host. “But, you know, this actually details exactly what the left, what Barack Obama, actually asked progressives to do, is to get into family and friends, in their face and not let up.”
Well thanks again, Obama!
Paul has also taken the Trump route and admonished his family on Twitter saying ;
My siblings who chose to film ads against me are all liberal Democrats who hate President Trump. These disgruntled Hillary supporters are related by blood to me but like leftists everywhere, they put political ideology before family. Stalin would be proud. #Az04 #MAGA2018
You can’t pick your family. We all have crazy aunts and relatives etc and my family is no different. I hope they find peace in their hearts and let go all the hate.
To the six angry Democrat Gosars—see you at Mom and Dad’s house! #AZ04 #MAGA2018
Unfortunately, in the deeply red state, pollsters predict Mr. Gosar is still likely to retain his seat – the Congressman won his seat with more than 70 percent of the vote in 2016
Instant update –
Pete Gosar, his brother, is a pretty good guy. He ran for Wyoming gov last election cycle – sadly he didn’t win – but this time around it looks like he will be the Democratic nominee for our County Commish, so that’s cool.
2nd 2nd Half Story
Lions, and Tigers, and Mammoths, Oh my!
This comes to us from the Sun so… 50/50 on whether it not it’s bullshit. I did google it, but the results were Daily Mail, Boing Boing, The Inquirer, and FOX. So there might be some truth in it, but I trust those sources to deliver the facts about as much as … well, you heard my hotshots. Basically, don’t come to us for news, come to us for drunken, entertaining, new-esk stories.
With that out of the way, Russia is about to go full Jurassic Park.
Ok, “Pleistocene Park” which is more accurate and the name they’re going with. So… good luck to the boys in marketing, the “PP” isn’t going to sell as well as say “Disney” or “6 Flags.” Hell, I copied and pasted the name and I’m still not sure I spelled it right.
On the upside, it’s the easiest thing in this story to pronounce…
So, Pleistocene Park? Yep, it’s exactly that. A bunch of people too busy asking themselves if they can instead of if they should are aiming to have mammoths, giant cats, and ancient horses resurrected via cloning in 10 years time.
The park will be nestled in the … flat barren wasteland … of Russia’s Yakutia Siberia. The area is technically called the Sakha Republic, but like Chechnya, Crimea, and a shockingly long list of other places too numerous and vowel-us to name, it’s part of Russia now. Deal with it comrade mammoth.
Aisen Nikolaev noted that co-operation between Russian, South Korean and Japanese scientists will see the “miracle” return of woolly mammoths inside ten years. “The prospect was no longer fantastical. Today, technology is developing at an explosive pace, and what yesterday seemed to be scientific nonsense, today is an absolutely clear prospect for scientists.” Concluding “no Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.”
Further details of the new “world class paleo-genetic scientific centre” will be unveiled next month when Vladimir Putin hosts a major investment forum opening on 11 September in Vladivostok, where Putin wasn’t quoted as saying “Da, I look forward to riding strong fur-iphant with no shirt on. That will teach silly western man-babies and their puny non-fur elephants whose really da man!”
The scientists will be working with DNA from ancient animals that have been preserved in remains encased in the frozen soil – or permafrost – for tens of thousands of years. The center will be based out of Russia’s Northern-Eastern Federal University (NEFU. Expert Dr. Lena Grigorieva – who drafted plans for the center – said: “There is no such unique material anywhere else in the world.” They are also hopeful that the research will let them clone people.
I mean, they didn’t say that, but I think it’s pretty clear that what the Hailsham lab is really for… “Northern ethnic groups have a unique ancient genetic structure. Such studies will help in the study of rare genetic diseases, their diagnosis, prevention.”
(and if you didn’t get that joke, you need to brush up on your Japanese sci-fi, go ahead, buy a book: amzn.to/2DwUpye, the movie was shite)
Speaking to exclusively to Sun Online, Prof Church said: “We have already revived dozens of genes and are testing them in elephant cells.
“We are focusing on reviving mammoth genes and making a mammoth/elephant hybrid and help them spread to the vast wild, arctic climates.”
That last bit threw me for a loop too.
It’s hoped the woolly mammoths will create an environment which could stop Siberia’s permafrost melting and then releasing billions of tons of greenhouse gases by literally stomping it down with their massive feet.
“Cold-resistant elephants would flatten the insulating snow and supporting trees in winter and favor the highly heat reflective grass in summer. They would also help capture new carbon by enhancing the photosynthetic capacity of the vegetation.”
Basically, they’ll make the place more livable for themselves and other animals, thereby slowing or stopping the erosion of the permafrost which contains enough trapped CO2 and other greenhouse gasses to properly fuck the planet.
Next Week’s Beer
Brendon’s Golden Frau – Honey wheat – Thunderhead breweries
- BA Link: www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/461/22211/
- BA Rating: 3.41/5
- Style: American Pale Wheat Ale
- ABV: 7.5%
Faith In Humanity Restored
Custodial staff to the rescue. – bit.ly/2N14NOh
I don’t know about you, but at my school, the custodial staff was the only ‘down to earth’ adults in the building. The rest either wanted something from you or for you, regardless of what you wanted of course. And among their awesome ranks is Carolyn Collins, a high school custodian and all around fantastic person.
Four years ago, as she was setting up for another busy day there was a knock on the door. Two students were at school, far, far too early. They said that their mother had dropped them off early to get ready for the day in the school’s facilities, as the three of them had been living in the mother’s car. She let them in and, realizing they were hungry, rustled up some grub. That day she hatched a plan for a school “giving closet” — food, clothing, shoes, toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant and more — all free to any student at Tucker High, about 25 miles from Atlanta.
“I knew that they weren’t the only kids at school who were struggling,” Collins, 54, told The Washington Post. “And I thought, ‘I’m going to do whatever I can to help these kids. High school is hard enough without being homeless.’”
That night, four years ago, she stopped by a handful of stores and spent about 200$ of her own dollars on supplies. Then, the next morning, she kindly let the administration know that she was going to start helping the kids. Because fuck asking for permission to do the right thing.
Ever since any of the school’s 1800 students can quietly mention their need to her as they move about the school and she will open her closet to them for everything from food and toiletries to school supplies and prom wear. She keeps a watchful eye for students who wear the same thing every day or shuffle from one room to the next, signs of homelessness or other stresses. Discreetly, she’ll invite them to take a peek in her closet.
“If a student needs something and it’s not in the closet, Ms. Collins will go out of her way to get it or find somebody else who can,” Mr. Parker, the school’s principal said. “Her commitment to our kids is heartwarming. Whatever problem they might be having in their lives, they know they can trust her to listen and help.”
“Gloves, shoes, belts, pants, sweatshirts, hairbrushes, whatever they need, I’ve got it,” she said.
“I love her with all my heart, she was my angel,” said Kennedy Carroll, 21, a Tucker High graduate who is now a sophomore at Savannah State University. He and his mother were homeless then. “She gave me hope to keep going. I learned that if I could conquer being homeless, that I could conquer anything. Because of her generosity, I didn’t give up. I’ll remember how good she was to me for the rest of my life.”
On Saturday, the tables were turned on Collins. She was ambushed with gifts for herself – and even more supplies on her Care Closet.
La Detra White, a local, said she was inspired after seeing the story. She donated more than $1,300 worth of cash and gifts towards Collins and her closet.
Anyone wanting to drop off donations can leave them at the front desk of Tucker High School at the attention of Carolyn Collins. There is no official GoFundMe or anything, though there are a number of fraudulent ones up right now.
You can send donations to:
Attn: Mrs. Collins,
5036 LaVista Road,
Tucker GA 30084
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