Episode 208 – The One Where We Water Down Our Minty Rage

In This Week’s Show, episode 208, we take the patrons out for calamari sammiches with a side of homeo-drolic robo-cock spiders.

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Yal-un ele (the Mongolian mother of fire) hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying her patience!

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week I learned that shirts are crazy, your body goes in one hole and comes out three!

Or

Aren’t public pools the first widely accepted gender-neutral bathroom?

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Did you know octopuses have three hearts and blue blood?

But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

BeerMeadjito from FallenTimber brewing

  • From: Dod Snow
  • Style: Mead/Hydromel
  • ABV: 5.5%

Rate Beer: 3.2 out of 5

Link: bit.ly/2z7cSvF

Per the website: In Alberta’s foothills, our bees constantly work to provide a perfect base for the meticulously crafted contents of this bottle — made just for you… Combining our honey with fresh mint & lime provides a light, refreshing, naturally gluten-free mojito. Swirl before opening as the Meadjito is unfiltered. Enjoy over ice!

  • Aaron: 8
  • Jenn: 5
  • Shea: 9
  • Steve: 9

This Week’s Show

Round Table Discussion

iTunes update from the lovely RebOx

Very Fun! Feels like family!

by Rebel*Ox on Oct 27, 2018

RATING: ★★★★★

Funny and smart. Feels like sitting down with a friends. It’s one of the podcasts I look forward to every week

And the saga of the cheesesteaks enters its second month: VM from Alan and a couple of messages from Freethinker, if you’re interested in how to taco a pizza-steak listen to this week’s Patreon outtake segment. Yeah, patrons get more outtakes, just saying…

Shea and Jenn will be joining the Zachriledge podcast, live, immediately following this: http://bit.ly/2zjGgPt

Hot Shots…

Pyrophobia vs. Arachnophobia – bit.ly/2zvvupJ

Nothing can quite ruin a relaxing day alone like black widows can. The spider not ScarJo, she ruins nothing. A California man was enjoying a nice evening house-sitting for his parents when he discovered the spider, instead of opting for a reasonable weapon like some toilet paper or a rolled up magazine this gentleman reached for a blowtorch. As expected things quickly escalated as spiders deal with fire slightly better than houses do. Eventually, around 30 firefighters responded to the spider-related fire. Even though the second story of the home and the attic were damaged by the flames, the fire was put out quickly, and the man was able to get out unharmed. The Fresno City firefighters’ account tweeted out a common sense message to their residents in light of this bizarre incident. “Please don’t use a blowtorch to kill spiders.” no word on of the spider made it out or whether the spiders family are plotting revenge. It might be best to just burn the fucker down.

Database of Fail – bit.ly/2zkUGyS New database is live. Not exciting news you say? Well, maybe not, but it’s good news for those who believe that science is the only true way to define our world. The Retraction Watch Database was made specifically to track retractions of studies from scientific journals. This means a journal no longer stands behind the article and it or the study’s author initiated a retraction. This is not a process taken lightly, but it is on the upswing. Before 2000 there were about 100 retractions per year, now it’s more like 1000, but then again the number of published papers has more than doubled from 2003 to 2016. A large number of the retractions don’t have anything to do with any misconduct either, nearly half of them are due to errors or problems with reproducibility. There’s always room for improvement. Ivan Oransky, a doctor, journalist, and professor at New York University who co-created the database with Adam Marcus said, “Science is not broken. The question is whether the science correction mechanism process is as robust as everybody wants it to be. It’s still not, but we are seeing some signs of improvement.”

Local News:-) bit.ly/2zlyAMF

We finally got one! After years of seeing stories about atheist highway clean up signs, evil music posters, or salacious fast food billboards getting defaced someone finally got around to defacing signs for the largest Satanic land mass in North America. Devil’s Tower, also known as Mnt Morningstar, Lucifer’s loft, Beelzebub’s butte, Satan’s Stack, Golb’s Glob, Haborym’s Heights, or, the original, 1875-misunderstood-by-white-guy’s name Bad God’s Tower, saw its signage changed the wee hours of the night to the far more appropriate “Christs Tower t” and no, there’s no apostrophe in that. Rattle cans and good penmanship so rarely go hand in hand these days. The signs also saw their mile markers painted over with quick crosses… because not only is a mountain devoted the dark lord, evil in its own right, discussions of proximity to it may as well be the starting point down that slippery slope to hellfire. For those interested… so probably not the spray painters for Jesus, the tower was known to Native Americans for basically ever as some variation of Bear’s Tower. But as well all know, once the Devil gets in your hibernations, it’s all down-tower from there…

Not one but TWO stories of the mighty octopuses and how fucking CUTE they are!

Since the World Wildlife Federation has just announced that 60% of wildlife has been lost since 1970, I thought I would have an animal-related science story while we still have them.

First off, just a brief tidbit with a video for the show notes (instead of a cat video, maybe?): the deep sea submersible ‘The Nautilus’ captured rare footage this past week of the elusive and sweetly goofy Dumbo Octopus. It’s very much the starting form of some kind of Pokemon.

They live miles below the ocean so getting any film of the pudgy little guy is really difficult, and this discovery was just a fun coincidence. The ship is under there purely for exploratory reasons, “The Nautilus’ task is simply to see what’s inhabiting the Davidson Seamount, a 7,480-foot-tall underwater mountain that recently became a part of the Monterey Bay National Marine Sanctuary.

The second story, same submersible: these same marine scientists exploring off the coast of California have also discovered a vast number of octopuses huddling over their eggs in the crevices of an extinct underwater volcano. It’s a giant octo-nursery! With over 1,000 lil cephalopods sited, this is confirmed as the largest deep sea octopus nursery ever found.

bit.ly/2zkGS7I

“This has never been discovered on the West Coast of the US, never in our sanctuary and never in the world with these numbers,” said Chad King, a lead scientist on the exploration vessel.”

An estimated 99 percent of them appeared to be brooding mothers, huddling upside down to protect the eggs they’d laid in crannies in the rock. The scientists are interested in the ‘shimmer’ that is happening around the nests, which they believe may be due to warmer water currents originating from the volcano.

This Week’s Stories

Patron Story:

I’m sure you’re all aware of this week’s exciting announcements in the tech industry. New devices, more power, and all new form factors like hydraulically powered mega-wiener and the world’s most advanced dick sucking AI – aptly named The Autoblow 2!

And here you though SkyNet was only interested in shooting you in the head – not to worry, she’ll have the soft-skills to give as well… And, I assume, the motivation to burn the entire god-damned world down because of it. Of course, this wouldn’t be “One More Thing” worthy if it was just another Indie Go Go campaign trying to motorize a love glove. No, this is The Autoblow version 2! The newer, terriblier, device is a computer controlled, mechanical, prison pussy that probably won’t terminate your turret.

See, Autoblow 2 learns what you like as it pumps. Kind of like Siri, Alexa, or Google Hummer it can predict what you want in future jobs, then order you Bronco tickets instead. After some 30 thousand dollars in research money, and seven labs who didn’t want it, lucky number 8 agreed to watch the requisite 108-ish hours of blow job porn, frame by frame, to glean the Silicone Valley’s darkest, sloppiest secrets. “In this work, we seek to quantify the ‘common’ or ‘typical’ movements involved in oral sex performed on males,” the research, titled “The Blowjob Paper” (which was not peer-reviewed), begins. “To do so, we analyze a dataset containing over 108 hours of pornographic video, annotated at each frame with the position of the lips along the shaft of the penis. We use quantization techniques to discover sixteen distinct motions, and using these motions we design and evaluate a system that procedurally generates realistic movement sequences using deep learning. We quantitatively show that this system is superior to simple Markov Chain techniques.”

But what are Markov Chains and how do they work with hydraulic cocks? Well, strap in… or on… because we’re about to all sciency up in this robo-ho. A Markov chain is “a stochastic model describing a sequence of possible events in which the probability of each event depends only on the state attained in the previous event” which, if applied to wangs, goes something like “each stroke gets you closer than the stroke before it, but teeth break the chain.”

I should be a science communicator.

The scientists, who are apparently real but really don’t want to put their names on the work for fear of professional ostracization, was lead by a scientist with a “Ph.D. on AI stuff,” and a team of engineers. Or should I say fun-gineers? No. No I should not because these “ugh, scientists” somehow managed to over 100 hours of grade A, sloppy, gag-porn and turn it into bar graphs. “The researchers designed a dense neural network (DNN) architecture that predicts a blowjob giver’s next move based on analysis of past movements, kind of like predictive text on your phone” which is a strong next step in being able to duck a robot.

But how? Well, the explanation is just too perfect for me to massage into a few handy lines, so, quoting the article:

To collect this data, Sloan enlisted the help of Dalibor Copic, who is based in Serbia. Copic works for Sloan’s Very Intelligent E-Commerce Inc., a marketing company that has churned out other adult-themed campaigns, including the World’s Most Beautiful Vagina competition and the Balls Contest. Very Intelligent E-Commerce Inc. is very successful at attracting press coverage for Sloan’s crowdfunding campaigns for adult products by promoting them with science-themed gimmicks. Before the Blowjob Paper, the same team produced the Vulva Paper for the Autoblow Vaginal Beauty contest.

With such incredible credentials a “Balls Contest” and “Serbian” you might think wow, this was a big deal. But no, apparently Copic had to recruit friends to do the watching and documenting because his so-called “scientist” friends were to busy working on cancer or whatever to do real science.

Researchers admit this technology represents a new but growing field, likening it to a gold rush. Likewise, they have high hopes for future research. Or low hopes. I’m not 100% clear, but Mr. Science pants sums it up pretty well “Sex toys are available basically across the developed world. Obviously, people want these things, and they surely will get smarter as scientists and engineers like me do their job. That’s the big picture. There are of course also technical upgrades we can do to the solution we built for this particular sex toy, like better procedural generation of the emulated blowjobs, and more stuff than just blowjobs. We found that recognizing anal, for example, is totally doable.”

So there ya go. The march of progress continues!

Oh, and don’t think science forgot you ladies. As I mentioned earlier there’s a new sex-boy-bot on the market. He doesn’t feature hundreds of hours of careful thrust-analysis so much as he’s a modded-manikin whose cold, dead, cross-eyes will gaze right through your soul while the – no kidding – hydraulically powered super-cock jackhammers away at your cervix like Muhammad-Fraser-Tyson fighting a box of disabled puppies. Which is where the vin diagram of men-who-watch-porn and men-in-science overlap enough to give you all what they agreed you want. Right?

bit.ly/2SBBt4N

Second Half Homeopathy

Next Week’s Beer

Half-Tanked Hefeweizen from Lander Brewing

  • From: Marie (lonely Wyoming)
  • Style: German Hefeweizen
  • ABV: n/a
  • Link: http://bit.ly/2SDThfS

Faith In Humanity Restored

Because we live in the Bizzaro universe, presumably because Barry broke the timeline again, delivery drivers seem to be the better way to get your healthcare needs met.

We talked briefly about a badass pizza guy, but now I want a sammich. Something freaky fast and understanding of military PTSD… hold the pickles.

First, we need to venture over to BFE, or as the locals call it, Columbus, Nebraska, where we will visit the home of Greg Holeman. Greg is a 48-year-old Army Vet with a recently – like, really recently – fused spine.

Greg had been at home with his sister to care for him right after the surgery but at the end of the week she needed to get back to her life and he seemed well enough. Unfortunately, when she got off her plane back home she was greeted with a few urgent voicemails. See, Greg doesn’t have any family in the area and the others he could call were unavailable and he was having complications at his surgical site and had numbness down his legs. So not good.l He needed to go to the hospital, but there are no ride-sharing services in his town; he wasn’t sure if his insurance would cover an ambulance ride; he didn’t have money for a cab, and there was no one around to offer him a ride. He gave his sister the number for a local social worker and asked her to arrange transport.

Lisa, the sister, hurriedly dialed the number and explained the situation to the woman on the other end of the phone who then gave the call to her manager Voss who, in turn, said that he would see if they had any drivers that could pick Greg up and take him to the hospital. After a brief break, Lisa got a call from Zach Hillmer. Zach asked for the address and Lisa was a bit annoyed that the social work folks didn’t have Greg’s address… which is when Zack reminded her that she’d called Jimmy John’s…

“I was pretty sure she had no idea it was Jimmy John’s,” Voss told The Washington Post. “I didn’t think I needed to say anything. It didn’t seem relevant at that moment.”

Startled and embarrassed Lisa apologized profusely. Zach said it was fine and having the address, went to pick Greg up. Zack, also a vet familiar with PTSD, made sure that Greg’s ride to the hospital was a safe and comfortable one. For his part, Zach didn’t think much of it “I feel like stuff like this happens all the time, and it’s interesting people are taking an interest in it now,” he added. “People feel like they need something, anything good right now. Something like this is really small, but if it helps people, that’s good.”

bit.ly/2zkY3WM

Bonus Cat Video

Jenn’s Octopus video: bit.ly/2zoDgBq

Places for the dead? bit.ly/2zh8wCg

That pig is flying really … high! – bit.ly/2SDPnUa

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