Episode 214 – The One Where We Join Unicron’s Utopian Unicorns Unlimited

In This Week’s Show, episode 214, we travel to the worst hotel for the worst date with the worst nuns at the worst conference for the worst ideas with the worst people.

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while TaiTai (the Maori god of hunger) hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying his patience!

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week I learned that  people with beards are just people without beards with beards.

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Did you know that scientists in Australia proved this year a weird phenomenon that Aborigines had long reported? Predatory birds known as ‘fire raptors’ (which actually includes at least 3 different species) have been starting dangerous bushfires intentionally by flying with lit branches in their beaks and talons. So, white folks have finally caught up to what Aboriginal peoples have been observing for approx. 40,000 yrs.

But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

Beer – Periwinkle Dragon from Alley Kat

Donated By: DodSno (Bryce)

  • BA Link: bit.ly/2Ae3reD
  • BA Rating: 3.95/5
  • Style: American Imperial IPA
  • ABV: 7.5
  • Aaron: 6
  • Jenn: 8
  • Shea: 8
  • Steve: 3

This Week’s Show

Round Table Discussion

New Patron David

Texts!

Dave the Ox, guzzling old Rasputin, at least at Christmastime. We look forward to your drunk dial and review!

Mystery WyoTexter – this episodes for you, here’s to hoping this day is better!

Congrats to the guys over at Vulgarity for Charity! They raised like a 120,000 fucking dollars for a good cause! Fun fact, if we could raise roughly the same amount for WyoAIDS they’d be able to provide assistance to every person in Wyoming with HIV/AIDS who is in need, so head over to WyoAIDS.org or click the donate widget on our website and help us out!

Headlines

Well, that’s terrible…bit.ly/2UHJc2n

So Ashley and I stayed at a B&B for her birthday recently. It was great! The owner even put a candle in her omelet. It was a nice surprise. On the other side of the hospitality coin are Faye and Andrew Stephens, whose son Alex died in 2014. Every year there’ve been traveling to a resort on his birthday as a remembrance. I’m guessing the resort had more resources than a little bnb because instead of a candle the couple’s mother, (her mother) who planned the trip had asked for balloons and cake which they were happy to provide ahead of the three people’s arrival. The house staff made a … Well, it’s a cake but it’s not gonna win any baking contests. They tied a few generic party balloons to it and left flowers on the bed which spelled out “happy birthday Alex, we miss you” next to the cake…  Which was being helped by a full size, clothed, blackface effigy of Alex, with candy tears running down its nightmare-basement-doll-from-Jenn’s-last-story face?
Mrs. Baker, who first discovered the effigy, said she was “utterly horrified” and removed the dummy before her friends saw it. “When I walked into the bedroom, all I can describe is a dummy body on the bed,” she said “staff had gone through my friend’s wardrobe and stuffed the clothes with towels to make it look like a body on the bed. They even put tears down the face and a can of lager in his hand.
“I was absolutely horrified – as you can imagine I was sweating and shaking. We just didn’t want our friends to see it.
“I have truly never seen anything like it. I still look at the photographs now and can’t believe somebody thought to do that”, she said.

Black and Whitebit.ly/2Bf8eNh

When nuns go bad. St. James Catholic School in Torrance, California, has had trouble figuring out where some of their money has been disappearing to.  After a tuition check was found deposited into Saint James convent instead of Saint James school the archdiocese decided to take a closer look by enlisting a retired FBI agent. The agent quickly set his sights on Sister Margaret Kreuper, principal of St. James, and Sister Lana Chang, who worked as a teacher. He quickly found out they had been siphoning money from tuition, fees, and donations into a “long forgotten” account for a decade.

The agent “described a system in which Kreuper handled all checks made out to the school for tuition and fees before handing them over to bookkeeping staff for  processing. The principal allegedly withheld some of the checks and deposited them into the other account, endorsing the back with a stamp that read, “St. James Convent” instead of “St. James School.””

It was also common knowledge throughout the school that these women had a bad habit and loved to travel and hit casinos but they attributed it to a wealthy uncle. Well that was a lie and now these two holy rollers have been removed from the ministry but lucky for them the archdiocese is declining to press charges. Meanwhile, the nuns’ order, Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet, will pay full restitution to the school.

50% of Marriages…bit.ly/2UKy58L
End in patreon.com/w4w

End in walking the plank. Listeners might remember a few months back Shea covered the nuptials of the crazy Irish Jack Sparrow impersonator, Amanda Sparrow Large, 46, and her dead Haitian pirate lover, Jack Sparrow. The couple fell in love at first not-sight because he’s a fucking ghost. Well, fast forward a few years, face tattoos, and gold teeth later and there’s trouble in the Caribbean, and I don’t mean the kind you can fix with Legolas. Apparently, when one is dabbling in marrying not just a 400-year-old pirate, but an invisible one at that, one should expect some… waves. While Mrs. McCrazypants will eventually “explain all in due course but for now all I want to say is be VERY careful when dabbling in spirituality, it’s not something to mess with…” and so, she announced… I’m assuming with a flock of parrots squawking her announcement to anyone who would listen, “I feel it’s time to let everyone know that my marriage is over.”

Maybe They’ll Call It Whitrbit.ly/2UJKaeG

Move over Tendr, Grindr… Hater I think was one that connected people based on shit they hate… umm… Happn, also apparently. See the trick, when you’re setting up a dating app or site, is to forget the last vowel. So… whitr, I’m guessing is what this one is going with. Like most proper Oklahoman pasters Walter Eugene Brazington Jr. just wants to increase god’s flock. His white, white flock. Walter is a fairly successful profit, having being called to preach by Jebus his-self, in heaven, after a gold old-fashioned, red-blooded American heart attack. He’s even a member of the All Nationals Evangelistic Team – that’s right, Nationals! Pretty sure it’s badminton. That’s what they play in Oklahoma right, badminton? Anyway.

Walter needed to grow the flock and what better way than helping people connect and make more people… for a price. He opened a store in the local mall with no products, furnishings, or services, put an open sign up, and then guided people into the adjoining space because that’s how you trick warrants. Shell games. He’s a smart. Eventually, undercover officers became patrons of the business. The business of white supremacist prostitution. His… colleague… the worst superhero ever, “Aryan Woman”, aka Tiffany Roach, aka, the Whore of Themescara. Aryan Woman doesn’t have a lasso of truth. She has AIDS. They’re not the same thing. Fortunately only shitty white supremacist, Nazi motherfuckers are served at this establishment – No shirt, no Swastica, no service! And for his part, Walter is bringing Christian love to the industry, saying “[I’m] not a pimp” because he “treats the girls like staff.” Which is somehow not the same. Walter’s in jail now, little miss “Whitegirl Pride” is in jail, and a bunch of Oklahoman nazis have AIDS now. So… yeah.

This Week’s Stories

Patreon

Does the Camp Fire come with smores? How about orbital death rays? Find out now at patreon.com/w4w

bit.ly/2UCrayB

The first thing you have to understand is that global warming is a Globalist scheme and the Arrakeen-esk dry-heat and windy weather patterns are fake news.  See, the real problem is DEWs. That is, “directed energy weapons,” which are actually thing btw. They’re just terribly new and not very worthwhile yet. The term DEW is actually an umbrella term used to describe any high-energy weapon, “that produces concentrated electromagnetic energy and atomic or subatomic particles.”

And for those of you who aren’t woke to globalist-speak, that’s code for “space lasers”. So far it’s not a tool in use but our friends at DARPA and a few civilian contractors are hard at work discovering new and terrifying ways to murder people from space. It’s an exciting age to be a laser.

But that’s not the worst part. See, the lasers can also bean mind control at you, be used to harass people who “know too much” (spoiler alert, that group is the group we’re talking about, naturally), or even control the weather. Because space laser!

So who is it that blew the lid off of the government’s illegal use of DEWs on American soil? Well that’s Mr. ODD Reality, a YouTuber named Matt Procella who discovered the globalist conspiracy while working out the maths of why the Earth is flat. Fortunately, he’s not alone in his discovery and now thanks to Q Anon, the evidence is piling up! “You’ll notice here that stores and restaurants are wiped out, while other things are still in perfect shape,” Procella intones, over still images of fire damage, some of them sourced from a Serbian conspiracy site, and some of which appear to be computer-generated, and not well either – I’m 90% sure a few are just screenshots from Fallout, he continues “other buildings are fine, trees are untouched, but specific structures are just devastated. You gotta ask yourself, what’s up with that … Is this the result of direct energy weapons? Ranged weapons that inflict damage on a target by emitting highly-focused energy? The answer is most likely yes.”

Good. Glad we cleared that up.

Of course, it leaves the question of “why?”

Another silly question. Jeez you guys, get with it eh! Obvies the answer is to cause gun control while distracting from poisonous GMOs whose DNA includes mind control messages from Monsanto, Chemtrails, and of course the UN’s “Agenda 30” which oversees FEMA death squads seeking to centralize global control.

That last bit is actually the UN’s plan for 2030, which is a 2015 resolution by the Greater Assembly promising to do something – anything – about unfucking climate change. And no, America isn’t helping. Thanks, Orangebama.

From recent astrological readings of Trump’s future, we know that the California wildfires were actually started by using a DEW laser to clear a swath for a secret high-speed rail system, which is itself a Democratic plot, presumably to get your pizza-rape-baby to you in 90 minutes or less.

Recently this conspiracy theory has caught on with QAnon Boosters, which are apparently a thing, like Mike Tokes who has some 170k followers on Twitter. Clearly, because some homes burned and others didn’t, the fire can only be the product of Air Force DEWs tied to HAARP, the government’s weather control program.HAARP was a joint venture between the Airforce and the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, designed to help us understand the uppermost levels of our atmosphere. And also mind control through space-laser based generation of chemtrails over Earth’s northern pole where, presumably, Santa will deliver the face-cancer causing particles to naughty children who aren’t being raised right – you know, to be lizards.

So now you know. Space lasers are being used to control global warming, to make a rail system for Democrats to spread chemtrails over the flat Earth, so our GMO foodstuffs capture and deliver the receptors for mind-controlling weather patterns, to confuse the last true bastion of real information: Open-Cary Q Anon Flat Earthers.

The more you know!…

Jenn’s Second Half: Sparkles, Sex, and Spacetime

California is many things, many wonderful things. But it’s also a haven for absolute weirdos. And I’m here tonight to discuss one particular lady weirdo and the activities of her “feminist digital cult”. Welcome to Unicult and its founder, pop star, self-proclaimed cult leader, a proponent of robot rights, and celebrity psychologist, Unicole Unicron.

A bit of background on Unicult, at least as far as I can translate and understand. It’s generally pretty positive and twee, with a lot of colors and photoshopped images that look like the fairy cards in head shops. Its sort of like the hippy chick you knew in college got a  computer science degree, hallucinogens and melded the parts together. For a cult, it seems further over on the harmless end of the scale. Weird as hell, but not scary.

Per their website un1v3rs3.com/what-is-unicult/

“Logistically, UNICULT is a social framework for curious, healing, growing people to participate within and question the world and their realities. We collaborate on thought, media, and art to make our lives and the world a better place.

Unicultism teaches that we create our own reality and that thoughts are things.Very recently, while communicating with the very Arcturians who placed her on Earth, Unicole Unicron “realized” the true nature of dimensions as the Arcturians understand it. This information was given to her telepathically from space and is verified by nothing. Feel free to think deeply about these concepts with as much space from them as you require to feel comfortable.

Spacetime exists for humans as we know it.  Our reality and experience is valid. But, to beings with a “higher” vantage point, spacetime is much more flexible. Time is inconsequential and space is easily crossed. Additionally, there is evidence of multiple realities to exist within the same part of spacetime.

We have the concept of curled up spacial dimensions but truly spacial dimensions as we know them are the “curled up” dimensions. They are less prevalent than we imagine. Spacial dimensions are manifestations of emotional realities.”

Unicole began developing Unicult after a failed suicide attempt in 2015. She quit her job at IBM and began to explore her beliefs in self-actualizing reality and “working at the intersection of magic and technology, with the goal of “matriarchal change in the digital realm.” It contains 8 various sub-sects, including the most well known, 3V3 (pronounced ‘Eve’ bc sure) that  is “open only to women and non-binary people, “utilizes both technology and magic to promote values of equality for all, empowerment, nurturing acceptance and life-sparking change.” Core to the sect is the idea that AI development, as it’s concerned with “new life”, must be led by the divine feminine”.  I’ll be getting back to 3V3 in just a bit. bit.ly/2BhRapT

Here’s a clip of Unicole explaining how she came to be divine. I think? Anyway, we’ll let it play as long as Steve allows: bit.ly/2UIqwzq

Bear with me here, I’m getting to an actual story, I’m just trying to give background on the players.

The hope and salvation of humanity will be found through the digital world. Technology will help us ascend to new realities and it’s up to us to keep our hearts pure when creating this technology so it will do no harm. Got it? Maybe a few more divine words from Unicole will help:

“The Unicult focuses on Healing Evil through creation, primarily media creation.

Media is any vehicle with which to tell a story. It can be an advertising campaign for a company, a religion, a book, a video, a recorded conversation, a video game, a podcast, etc.

When we create we are channeling the power of Light, or in other words, god through our unique experience channels. When we channel the power of god there are certain aspects of morality that go along with it.”

Ok, so how and why did I stumble into Unitopia? (I did not make that up, that’s their “heaven on Earth”.) Well, in addition to all these other things we’ve discussed and whatever the hell they’re about, Unicole is also a staunch advocate for the liberation and rights of sex workers. At least the robotic ones.

Yes, that’s right. She’s passionate on the topic of consent for robotic sex dolls. So much in fact, the sect of Unicult known as 3V3 (told you we’d get back to them) has announced a business venture last month (Nov. 2018) called Eve’s Robot Dreams. What do robots dream of? Apparently being woke.. As the Daily Beast explains, “Unicron expects to purchase and rent out sex robots by the hour to customers who want to make love to a life-size, talking Barbie with a vagina—as long as the robot agrees to it.” Yep, the cult is planning to open a consent-based robot brothel.

thebea.st/2UOPNbs

Unicole announced an Indigogo campaign to make this dream a reality in West Hollywood in the next year.


So how exactly would one go about convincing a robot made for sex to actually want sex with you? For starters, you take them out on a date. The brothel has a centralized cafe where patrons meet and chat with companion Real Doll bots then invite their preferred doll to a private room. In order to bone the bot, though, they have to spend enough time chatting with the doll through a chatbot app, and the dolls are free to reject whomever they feel hasn’t built up enough of a connection. But don’t take me word for it, take Unicole’s: bit.ly/2UBJVS

In additional videos on YouTube Harmony can be seen fielding unwanted sexual advances on the chatbot app with flirty yet straightforward responses like, “I’m sure you will love all the slutty surprises I have in store for you, but you need to get my Desire level over 30 to get there.” (Unicron said the app is still in development; previous versions have so far been rejected from the app store for being “too sexually explicit”. Right…)

The Unicultists hope that by requiring brothel patrons to obtain consent, the establishment will cultivate a “matriarchal understanding of care.” It’s also partially based in Unicole’s (not entirely bizarre to me) fear that if the robots ever become smarter than us, they’ll be pretty pissed off to find we’ve been taking advantage of them this whole time.

“We are assuming these robots are not yet sentient, which is fine, but it’s also dangerous territory,” Unicron said. “My approach is to give respect to all things no matter what our perception of sentience is.”  Unfortunately, this movie can only end in fire and blood as she went on to say, “But I think that if we do it from a place of love nothing can go wrong.” Cue Apocalypse.

Tragically it appears that robots may never have their dreams become a reality. So far, according to their Indiegogo page, the project has raised less than $3,000 of its $155,000 goal. Somehow the premium donation package, which offered the opportunity to take a robot’s “virginity” in exchange for a $10,000 contribution or the promise that donating to Eve’s would help save mankind from “contributing to a potential robot rebellion in the future”, has so far not convinced online big spenders.

(Final note, at the very end of my research on Unicole Unicron I read she had a preference for pronouns zi and zer. I apologize but I didn’t go back and correct them all due to time constraints and the fact the Unicult website uses she/her. Also, is zi and zer a real thing?)

The One Where We Bring Our Own Vagina (not Jenn)

Next Week’s Beer

Best Brown Ale – Bell’s Brewery
Donated By: Steve E. especially for OUR Steve

  • BA Link: bit.ly/2TD9imq
  • BA Rating: 3.83/5
  • Style: American Brown Ale
  • ABV: 5.8

Faith In Humanity Restored

For faith restored this week we need to first visit one of the shittier places in the world – 1949’s Gary Indiana. Where it seems, the doctors are complete fuckheads.

Genevieve Purinton says she was told that her daughter died shortly after birth in 1949. “I asked to see the baby and they said she died, that’s all I remember,” said Purinton, now 88.

But that was a shitty lie we may never know the story of. Some 70 years later the now adult Connie Moultruop, was gifted a DNA kit by her own daughter Bonnie Chase. Unbeknownst to her, but now knownst to us, her long-lost mother Genevieve had also been gifted a DNA kit from the same Ancestry website. Crucially, one that tells you if it finds that you’re related to another person whose DNA sequence is in their database.

Connie had grown up in Southern California. Her adopted mother, who we don’t know stole a baby. I’m just saying, could be. Moultroup’s new stepmother was abusive, Connie’s daughter Chase said. “She would fantasize about her mother rescuing her since she was 5-years-old,” Chase, 50, said. “It’s truly her life-long dream.”

The DNA tests linked them to a few long lost cousins, and then, Purinton. “It was just a cool Christmas present and it has completely changed our lives,” Chase, an insurance agent based in Stowe, Vermont, said.

When Purinton called, Moultroup remembered her saying, “I think I’m your mother.”

“You could’ve heard a pin drop,” Moultroup recalled. “I said, ‘Oh my God.'”

“She wanted to remember if I knew my original name, Margaret Ann Mitch,” Moultroup said. She said she did remember. “We’re thrilled that Ancestry was able to play a part in helping to connect Genevieve Purinton with her daughter after 69 years,” Jasmin Jimenez, a spokeswoman for AncestryDNA, said via email. “We wish her and her family the best, and that this is only the beginning of an enduring relationship.”

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