Episode 220 – The One Where We Sacrifice Jenn To A Deamon… Dialer.

In This Week’s Show, episode 220, we robo-dial Jim Baker to ask about serving Prayer-see, Sage, Rosemary, & Thyme slop at the next showing of Hamilton.

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Sheela Na Gigs the Irish “old hag of the breasts” hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying her patience!

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week i learned that gender is just a scam invented by the bathroom companies in the 60’s to sell more bathrooms.

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Did you know Sheela Na Gigs is depicted as a woman with an exposed and exaggerated vulva? Popular myths claim she was a lustful pagan goddess who threw herself at men by showing them her `lady parts,’ which most refused, but for the few who threw her a bone, she would transform into a beautiful young woman and make them kings.

Also, you could park a car in there…

But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

Donated by: RW

Beer – Jubelale from Deschutes

  • BA Link: bit.ly/2QSBN1P
  • BA Rating: 3.9/5
  • Style: Winter Ale
  • ABV: 6.7
  • Aaron: 5
  • Shea: 3
  • Steve: 2

This Week’s Show

Round Table Discussion

New patron Ryan (Gosling mmmm…~Jenn)

iTunes review from plantainechip in Belgium from December 23. I can’t access it.

Title: Love this podcast

From: platainechip

Country: Belgium

Definitely one of my favorites. Whenever these guys upload an episode my day is made. I love that w4w is funny as hell but can be serious when they need to be. No matter what episode you choose to listen too I guarantee you will have a great time.

We also got a review from some guy named Tom and his buddy Cecil – See CogDis for that!

And you want to buy Jim or WyoAIDS some aloe vera for that burn, visit WyoAIDS.org and make a donation to help Wyomingites in need.

Voicemails! from the Napkin Pope!

Amanda, we’re sorry we’ll miss you at Drag Queen Bingo too! If you, or anyone else, does want to make the event it’s April 27th. And if you’re boyfriend manages to make it, we’ll very much buy him a beer because of Jesus-fucking-Christ… Be safe, be strong, you can do it!

Thanks to Jesse for using his birthday FB fundraiser for WyoAids. Check our FB page if you would like to celebrate it with him. It’ll be up for a week after this airing and it’s pinned at the top of our page.

And finally, a bit of follow up: Dine and dash asshole Paul Guadalupe Gonzales, whom you may remember from our story in Episode 201, pleaded no contest in November to three counts of defrauding an innkeeper and one of petty-theft. He is now serving a 120-day sentence in jail, followed by three years of probation, barred from dating sites, paying of restitution and had to stay 100 yards away from five restaurants. Fuck him.

Hotshots

Shea- A new product at Costco has Jim Bakker worried about his bottom line.

bit.ly/2W6083b

Costco the bulk warehouse superstore has recently been selling 27 pound Mac and cheese buckets that reportedly keep for 20 years. At $89.99, you get 180 servings of Chef’s Banquet Macaroni & Cheese, which the company says will remain edible for up to 20 years. That means you could still be enjoying this macaroni and cheese long after the great Cheeto ends the world. Unfortunately at the time of writing the powdered gold is currently on back order. Reviews on Costco’s website are mostly good with one reviewer serving a whole bucket of Mac and cheese at his wedding. The one major complaint is from an American grandfather upset that it only comes in 25lbs and nothing larger for his grandson.

What About Sage, Rosemary, & Thyme?

Some of you may be familiar with the magazine Marie Claire. I’m not sure what it’s about but winning Project Runway will get you a spread… whether or not you have to apply Parsley to that spread is a different matter. According to a now-deleted article Marie seems to think that you can use parsley to “induce periods” which, according to every woman I’ve ever met, you don’t want to do because they suck. Also, don’t put parsley in your vag, like at all. The claim is that it would make your cervix softer, which… is a problem?, it will level your hormones apparently, and may delay your period… which is confusing given the initial claim. “If you’re struggling to find a dish based on parsley, don’t panic – the most effective forms are said to be parsley tea and parsley vaginal inserts,” the article states. Dr. Shazia Malik told The Independent: “There is no evidence of any benefit to a woman of doing this, and clear risk of significant harm as deaths have been reported. “I would urge women not to insert anything unless they have taken proper medical advice. There are only a few things that should go in your vagina and vegetables generally aren’t one of them.” Marie Claire released a statement about editorial rigor and whatnot and how this article didn’t meet their standards… to which I wonder why anyone had to hold that headline up against an approval sheet and scratch their chin.

Wanted to be the next Hamilton

It appears that believers will “believe” anything, not just their superstition. Well members of The International Church in the Nottinghamshire village of Mansfield Woodhouse (in the UK, obvs) are out hundreds of thousands of pounds because they believed that donating tons of money to “Heaven on Earth” was a good idea.

What is “Heaven on Earth,” you say? Well, it was a musical production based on the silly story of Adam and Eve that was supposed to be a huge arena-sized production that would travel the world. Instead, Paul Fleming, from the actor’s union Equity, said it fell apart so quickly that it must have lacked experienced leadership. “There wasn’t any professional general management behind it as far as we can see or know.” This left the actors out of work, the costume company owed thousands of pounds, the production itself bankrupt with 2.6 mil pounds of debt, and 30 members of the congregation owed about 500,000 pounds.

Church members were told that donating to the production was “giving to god” and now, they, the production and even the church itself is fucked. Some of the member’s had even mortgaged their homes (idiots) to donate thousands. A former church member told BBC radio, “They thought it would be a God-given tool to win nations, to change the world. It’s a lot when you’re sat in your little church in Mansfield Woodhouse, you think it’s a nice idea, something a little bit different but when you hear they want it to go worldwide you think, ‘that’s a bit extreme’.”

Since the production company and even the church itself are now being liquidated, the former church members are unlikely to ever get their money back. Don’t believe in dum-dums. bbc.in/2RcZ8GQ

Shea- Click to Pray, with an “ey”

n.pr/2W8WJk

A new app has just shown up on all major devices aimed at letting pedophiles have their wishes granted… sorry click to pray is “ay” and let’s Catholics get out of going to church. I think.

“The Internet and social media are a resource of our time,” the pope said. From a balcony overlooking St. Peter’s Square, Francis then gestured to a tablet. Father Frédéric Fornos, international director of the pope’s Worldwide Prayer Network, held up the device for the crowd to see.
The pope has made earnest efforts to embrace technology, tweeting frequently and calling the Web “a gift from God.” Now he’s given his followers a convenient way to turn on their smart devices and see what the leader of the Catholic Church is praying for at any given time. The app is geared to the younger generation and hopes to make the church more relevant according to the pope. I guess it has been in decline because of the sexual abuse and other fun stuff those kids don’t like anymore.

The app works much like most social media apps but with the ability to pray rather than upvote or like. The main page is the prayer intention of the pope and it already has over 50,000 prayers. This month’s prayer is urging the youths of Latin America to return good call and don’t forget about Mary or something.

And don’t forget about the prominent donate tab for easy tithing and to buy your golden ticket to heaven.

This Week’s Stories

Speaking of Toxic Masculinity…

Don’t inject yourself with cum.

bit.ly/2R1gxlL

Doctors in Dublin, I’m sure confused as to why he didn’t just use Whiskey, saw a 33-year-old man this week who, for the last several months, had been filling syringes with his own semen and injecting it into his right arm in a bid to ease his back pain.

After hurting his back lifting a drunk friend back onto his bar stool… or something more true if not more plausible… he sought relief from what I can only assume is a modern “ancient” healing technique of re-creaming his blood. Injecting cum into his bicep for nearly a year had caused what x-rays confirmed as a seriously infected subcutaneous abscess.

The case study is outlined in an Irish Medical Journal article playfully titled “’Semenly’ Harmless Back Pain: An Unusual Presentation of a Subcutaneous Abscess.” Its authors dug into the literature – both clinical and alternative – for some kind of explanation, but came up empty-handed.

“A comprehensive review of EMBASE, PubMed, Google Scholar, and the wider internet was conducted with an emphasis on intravenous semen injection for the treatment of back pain as well as for other medical and non-medical uses,” the authors write.

“Although there is a report of the effects of subcutaneous semen injection into rats and rabbits [in 1945], there were no cases of intravenous semen injection into humans found across the literature.”

Alleged health benefits of semen have been debated in the literature. It’s occasionally injected just under the skin in minuscule amounts to test for allergic reactions… I assume to make sure you’re “nut” allergy doesn’t affect making porn?

unfortunately, we won’t be getting to the bottom of this any time soon as once doctors finished giving him a shot of real anti-biotics, the man fled the hospital.

 

 

Fuck you Phone Scam!

bit.ly/2WbdDyT

So… I got a weird phone call, have a listen: bit.ly/2WiaBbO

Now, the fine folks at Texas Standard, thanks for the clip, let this run on for a while. They might be a podcast, I dunno, but there’s a limit. So, as one does, I blocked the number, reported it to NoMoRobot, and then googled the number because of fuck it why not. What I found was DustOffTheBible.com, which is a mess of evangelical whatever, but the author, Seminary M.Div grad, Admin – I guess the power of prayer isn’t strong enough to change your default WordPress username eh – did a ton of digging and this is, more or less, what he found.

The scam call, if you press one like the dude on SoundCloud, eventually yells at you for $47, or whatever, 147, 30.47, apparently, it’s the “47” bit that gets gods attention. Because god is an autistic asshole who hates you unless you know how many fucks he dropped… 47, 47 fucks fell on the floor, 47…

The Texas Standard investigator offered $1.47 to the Filipino operator so he would get something to show up on his credit card statement. Brave. The calls come from Manasseh Jordan Ministries. He’s a well dressed, energetic fellow on YouTube with about 30k followers, his most viewed video having just over 100k views. The ministry didn’t return calls inquiring about their scam or the 75 Austin-area people suing him. He’s not a small scammer. He runs an elaborate network of calls, videos, and sites selling prayers, “free prophecies,” non-existent books for 1.01$, miniature arks $100, and a few teachings. The site is “also full of broken links, missing content, and poorly cobbled together code” according to the guy who couldn’t be bothered to change WordPress’s default username, theme, or put whois protection on his domain…

So who is Manasseh Jordan?

He’s the son of a God’s-man too. He’s a wealth-preacher named Bernard Jordan, or the “Bishop” as he likes to be called. who bought a mansion in 1996 and had a fresco painted on the ceiling a la the Sistine Chapel, with himself as God.

Though apparently dad doesn’t like his kids much, like Manasseh, he seems to be disconnected from his kids, having shipped them all off to military school or wherever would take them. Moving on.

Bernard was also the founder of Zoe Ministries and is, apparently, known for his loose ass ties to Run DMC, Al Sharpton, and some other celebrity types…

Bernard also has a bunch of fake paperwork from a bunch of fake schools. However, Manasseh’s site and facebook page specifically disavow his father’s works.

Well, in 2017 an FCC citation lists a/k/a Manasseh Jordan, Prophet, Yahkim Manasseh Jordan, and a few other aliases because you gotta collect’em all. The citation says he violated 8 different laws and statutes.

He’ll sell you on four different packages according to Romans 6:23, which says the wages of sin is death, but god will totes help you out so… since it says “wages” give us 30$ a month for the Silver packages, which gets you warm and fuzzies, daily spam, access to his – I’ve sure very cool – writings, and publically available youtube videos.

$50/month will get you all that plus … nope.

$100/month will get you all that plus… not access to his writings… seems like a copy/paste error.

And $500/month will get you Diamond status which comes with all the aforementioned “benefits” plus access to his YouTube Live streams.

Our YouTube Live streams are free bonus content which, by the way, patrons, is likely to be Sunday the 27th as of this airing.

As for paying him, you can send checks to a fake office managed by fake-office management company Davinci Virtual. You could facebook pay his page which is listed as a Religious Organization and Public Toilet. No really. Also, there’s a P.O. Box that I’m pretty sure someone from the IRS is staking out.

So how much does he make? Well, it’s murky, but if we extrapolate from the 2017 FCC fines, given that those use a known formula, we can assume he makes around two million a year.

But, who is St. Marry’s?

here are dozens of Catholic ministries that sound just like the fake one the Manasseh cooked up. In fact, one of them received enough contact under the misunderstanding that their website has a warning listed.

** St. Mary Prayer Line does NOT make outgoing phone calls. We are not at all affiliated with “St. Mary Prayer CENTER Ministry” that has been making robocalls.

It would seem as though Manasseh desires to cloak this robo-call business and not associate it with his name and ministry.

So. fuck this guy.

Next Week’s Beer

Pineapple Mana from Maui Brewing Co.

Donated by: Steve-E

  • BA Link: bit.ly/2BLXHcC
  • BA Rating: 3.54
  • Style: American Pale Wheat Ale
  • ABV: 5.5

Faith In Humanity Restored

Here’s how to donate a beer to a furloughed employee. Because they could probably use one – cnn.it/2R3vpQP

Pay it Furloughedpayitfurloughed.com – is a crowdfunded website that lets anyone donate a beer for an impacted federal worker. As long as there are beers available, anyone with a government ID who can legally drink can down as many as they want at partner locations across Washington.

“Free beer makes everything a little bit better — even a shutdown,” the organization tweeted, along with a photo of “some furloughed federal employees enjoying free beer.”

Each beer costs $7.50, which covers the price of a drink, plus 10% for sales tax, credit card processing fees and website maintenance, according to the site, which tracks the number of available donations in real time.

food writer Nevin Martell and his collaborator, Al Goldberg, chatted about all the people they knew in the Washington area who were hurt by the shutdown.

The pair, along with two other partners, seeded $1,000 to pay for 133 beers to jump-start the project, Martell told CNN. Since Sunday, more than 2,000 beers have been donated from all over the world, including Japan and the Netherlands, the group said in a statement.

“We look at it as a win-win-win,” he told CNN. “People get to do something good, employees experience something good and breweries get the business they deserve.”

In fact, one participating brewery, Atlas Brew Works, separately has sued the Trump administration over the shutdown, citing its inability to sell a new craft beer to out-of-state customers during this period.

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