Episode 239 – The One Where Shea & Aaron Were Left Unsupervised

In This Week’s Show, episode 238, Shea and I do a story, intro a story, and apologize for Jenn and Steve skipping out on the show, because they hate you.

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while something struck half of us down we are not out!

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week I learned that masturbation is necrophilia if you’re dead inside.

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Everyone actually has 3 voices, the one in your head, the one others hear when you talk and the one the one we sweaten in post-production to stop your ears bleeding.

But before we get to all that, let’s have a few beers because the adults left us unattended!

This Week’s Beer

Bloodtusk Lager | Burial Beer Co.

This Week’s Show

Round Table Discussion

New Patron: Locusts with Pitchforks and Glowsticks

iTunes

Always listen to you when doing outside chores, makes the time seem short and the work easier. As an atheist and home brewer this is my kind of show. I believe Jenn is from the ‘boro. Want a local beer?

By Hasa Diga via iTunes – USA – May 31, 2019

Messages

We have kind of a collection of messages so…

Speaking of nursing, if we have any listeners who are in a medical field internationally or who have done international work, shoot me an email!

Voicemail!

Updates

www.thedailybeast.com/woman-stabs-baby-trump-balloon-in-london

After getting permission from London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, baby trump took to the air for the great Cheeto’s visit. Unfortunately on day two of his visit a woman recorded herself popping one of the giant orange balloons while saying,

“Did it! That’s a disgrace! It’s a national disgrace! The President of the United States is the best president ever.”

A spokesperson for Scotland Yard told the newspaper “one female has been arrested for being in possession of a pointed or bladed article.”

Today’s Show

It’s an Evergreen kinda show!

Hey all, we’ve got a little discombobulated this week so Shea and I will fall back on the old format for some headlines and a couple of stories. And we’ll do a lil’funny and an extra beer, then we’ll dive into some recorded, but never aired, stuff that I think you’re really going to enjoy.

Headlines Hotshots

HL1 – Fire Snakes

Snakes on a Flame

Originally recorded last week for 238.

www.abc12.com/content/news/This-is-crazy-Firefighters-battle-blaze-in-house-filled-with-snakes-510195951.html

In a story that will keep Aaron up all night, Arizona firefighters were called to put out a house fire when they were greeted by hundreds of snakes upon entry. Phoenix Fire Capt. Greg Hawk said firefighters were bit with the element of surprise when they responded to a house fire this past Thursday.

“It was honestly like a movie,” Hawk said. “It really hit us that, you know, we were walking around with snakes and lizards and everything else.”

You’ll be happy to hear, that because so many reptiles were in the home, it changed how firefighters fought the blaze. Rather than fighting it from the outside, they took the riskier approach and battled it from inside to save as many reptiles as they could.

“There were literally firefighters that were fighting fire, squirting water on the fire, and guys next to them picking up snakes and putting them in buckets,” Hawk said. “We just knew that we had to do what we could to protect the animals and get the fire out.”

It’s the kind of call Hawk said will leave a memorable mark.

“I mean, we see crazy stuff, and this was outside-of-the-box crazy for us,” he said. “We were looking at each other and going, ‘This is crazy!’”

The Phoenix Herpetological Sanctuary is now caring for the reptiles that survived the fire. None of the snakes were venomous.

Along with the reptiles, firefighters rescued a couple of dogs and cats.

HL2 – Mr. Jenn’s ears

Not a news story of course, just a story Jenn told a few weeks back.

HL3- Helicopter Momkeys

www.theguardian.com/science/2019/may/20/pushy-bonobo-mothers-help-sons-find-sexual-partners-scientists-find

In today’s age hearing about pushy parents and helicopter mothers is no new thing. It seems the rise of overprotective parenting, anti vaxxers, flat earthers, and all other crazy new wave purple raising fuckers has began to rub off on some of our closest primate relatives.

In a new by German primatologists have discovered high-ranking bonobo mothers lead sons to groups of females and keep guard while they mate. Yes you heard that right, momkeys are setting their sons up with classy monkeys and following them all through the dating process until mom can be sure she is getting grandmonkeys.

Bonobo society is dominated by females, so mothers of high rank are able to go to great lengths to ensure that they become grandmothers. They chaperone their sons when they are meeting females. During the act itself, they act as bodyguards and ensure that the mating couple is not disturbed by other males who might charge their sons. The mothers are also willing to get physical in order to provide more opportunities for their offspring. They will charge at other males who are trying to woo fertile females. In rare instances, researchers reported that the high-ranking females literally dragged unrelated male bonobos off their sexual partners.

To assess the impact of mothers’ interventions, primatologists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology observed several wild bonobo populations in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and wild chimpanzees in Tanzania, Uganda and Ivory Coast. Mothers from both species, which share the title of our closest living relative, helped their sons in fights, but only the bonobos boosted their sons’ mating success. In chimpanzee society, males are dominant, so the mothers have less influence.

While bonobo mothers looked out for their sons, the researchers found no evidence they helped their daughters in the mating game or in raising their offspring. But unlike the males, who hang around, the females usually leave the group to have their own families elsewhere.

Shotgunning A Few Random Ass Beers

Pancake Maple Porter – Renegade

Donated By: Aaron

  • BA Link:
  • 6BA Rating: 3.83
  • Style: american porter
  • ABV: 6%
  • Aaron: 6
  • Shea: 3

Sippin’ Pretty – Odells brewing Co

Donated By: Aaron

  • BA Link:
  • BA Rating:
  • Style:
  • ABV:
  • Aaron: 8
  • Shea: 9

Walrus – Roadhouse brewery

Donated By: Aaron

  • BA Link:
  • BA Rating:
  • Style:
  • ABV: 8.3%
  • Aaron: 10
  • Shea: 10

This Week’s Stories

THE Cartel

Originally recorded as Patron content during episode 235.

We need to talk about the Stevens County Assembly.
Archived versions of the group’s now-defunct website describes the group as “a volunteer, independent body of God-fearing American citizens” that sought to “protect family and property” and “secure real American communities during the present insurgent political and social changes.”
The site included pages titled “Counter Intelligence for Citizens” and “Socialism in America.” Another delved intofar-right conspiracy theories surrounding the 1992 United Nations agreement known as Agenda 21.
Aside:a non-binding action plan of the United Nations with regard to sustainable development. It is a product of the Earth Summit (UN Conference on Environment and Development) held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, in 1992. In a nutshell, it encourages developed countries to help poorer countries, it also outlines ways to fight hunger, environmental damage, inequality of basically all kinds, improve educational opportunities and so on… On the other hand, thanks to the investigative abilities of people like the tea party and Glenn Beck, we know it to be an attempt by radical Nazi communist internationalist homosexuals to “put their fangs into our communities and suck all the blood out of it, we will not be able to survive.”
Enter group leader and Stevens County Sheriff hopeful James “Russell” Bolton, 51. Back in 2010 he ran an unsuccessful write in campaign with the support of outgoing Sheriff and NRA media darling Richard Mack. He got about 13% of the vote. Womp womp.
See, James was a military man who was training the SCA (not that SCA, they’re way weirder) in hand to hand combat and so on. When it became known that a few other members of the SCA had received letters from aTheMexican drug cartel telling them to give between 10 and 250 thousand dollars lest their families be murdered and their property “taken” – I guess by way of the immutable finders-keepers rules that govern foreign cartel real-estate transactions.
The threatened members of SCA went to the cops. The investigation quickly got to James, whom all the extortees knew through the SCA. Turns out James had also received a number of threatening emails but he brushed them off saying he frequently got emails from Mexican organized crime and, like, they were totally routine spam or whatever. Unfortunately, he was unable to provide those emails to law enforcement because his computer had been “hacked” and was “unusable.” An interesting stumbling block for content usually stored on servers, but whatever.
It was at this point the plot thickened.
See, James’ wife had been abducted and the cartel was demanding 100k for her safe return. So, to secure the return of his wife James did the only reasonable thing he could – he pushed a friend down a flight of stairs and then tried to kill him with a plastic bag over the head. Now, it’s important to remember that while James is trained in hand to hand combat, bag to face combat is an entirely different arena, so he was unable to murder the semi-conscious man with a deep head wound. But hey, we’ve all been there right? It’s tricky!
So what’s a group of proud American constitutional protectors to do whenThecartel is extorting them? Pretend to pay the money of course… but really, follow all the instructions provided in the letters leading up to the payment. Back to the first group, the instructions said to put an envelope with 250K in it in their mailbox. Instead they put a cheap webcam in their window and an explosive dye pack in the mailbox – which apparently you can just buy on Amazon!? Anyway, when a white SUV pulled up to take the money they got some shitty, blurry video, because they should have bought a Wyze cam.
Thanks to the deductive powers of investigators, they soon realized that James drove a white SUV, was ok with trying to kill people, and didn’t seem to actually have a missing wife. Local authorities bought a water bottle so they could “spill” some on James when they next spoke hoping to activate the dye. No word on if the dye trick worked, but they did issue a nationwide arrest warrant for James on six chargest of attempting to extort members of his right-wing militia group and also that assault business. It would seem that James may well be the “Mexican drug cartel” and he was hoping to cash in on the credulity and paranoia of his idiotic, extremist, friends.

Patreon – Shelley Segal content (like 40 min!)

We joined Shelley about two weeks ago to help with her 24 hour Patron raiser and had a good time. If you want to hear more from her, including her amazing catalog of music, visit patreon.com/shelleysegal.

And if you want to hear us talk about her patreon account, you should give a buck to ours at patreon.com/w4w

Next Week’s Beer

Lake Beer | Big Lake Brewing

Donated by- Steve E.

Faith In Humanity Restored

www.thescinewsreporter.com/2019/05/this-circus-in-germany-uses-holograms.html

This show is typically a circus but one where the animals are treated like people and they let me drink beer. Other circuses around the world are not as kind to their animals and in response they are losing popularity fast. People no longer want to pay to see tortured, caged animals perform.

A circus in Germany is aiming to bring back the thrill and excitement of the big top but with a high tech change. Circus Roncalli, is the first circus in the world to replace animals with realistic holograms. The animations made by computer are projected to real size and shown in a spectacular way. Animals such as elephants, wild horses, monkeys and even fish run, swim and do acrobatics on stage. The circus has existed for many decades, but recently they decided to replace the animals with 11 projectors, lasers and lenses strategically placed to offer the show without even a single animal being involved. Thanks to technology, many animals get rid of being locked up living in captivity, while humans can enjoy their virtual presence in this incredible way. No word on how they treat their human performers but I hope they arn’t the new tenants of the cages. Check out show nots for some awesome pics from the circus.

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