Episode 241 – The One Where Jenn Teaches Us About Mooooon Sexing

In This Week’s Show, episode 241, we’re back and it’s show time! Not, not show time like last week, we promise!

Now, grab a beer and help us test the god hypothesis — because, while Selene, the Titan goddess of the moon, hasn’t struck us down yet, we are trying her patience!

Shea’s Life Lesson

This week I learned that older forms of English kept Latin’s gender specific suffixes -tor and -trix; tor was for men and trix was for women. A male pilot was an Aviator where a woman was an Aviatrix, same for gladiator and gladiatrix. This contrasts the modern system where tor is for both men and women and trix are for kids.

Jenn’s Actual Lesson

Did you know our moon is the 5th largest in our solar system? And that’s all the real stuff you’re going to learn today about the moon!

But before we get to all that, let’s have a beer!

This Week’s Beer

Fresh Haze | Deschutes Brewery

Donated by- RW

This Week’s Show

Round Table Discussion

Thanks for understanding about last week’s clusterfuck everyone. I’m blaming Texas. We tried something new and it was… terrible… just terrible.

On the upside, this airs on my birthday, so leave us an iTunes review!
~Aaron

New patron Lindy… hop?

Listener Mandy asked us on Twitter about Wyoming beers in bottles (friend is collecting ones from all 50 states and can’t find one from WY)

Plug of Chris Matheson’s new god video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHxEz7E-d9w

Chris Matheson’s book: www.amazon.com/Story-God-Biblical-Comedy-about-ebook/dp/B013AGFK8C/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Chris+matheson&qid=1560993835&s=gateway&sr=8-2

Jim got a shoutout on True Crime Obsessed episode where they cover ‘Matt Shepard Is A Friend of Mine’

This Week’s Stories

Patreon Hoax

This week’s patreon story … is a hoax.

Thank you, good night.

But really, I was going to do the story of how Finland isn’t real until I checked my unplayed podcasts. Thanks Citation Needed.

So I started looking for other crypto-geos.

Turns out Wyoming isn’t real. We’re a deep-state fake. That’s true.

Also, Australia isn’t real.

We know this because in 2006 the Flat Earth Society discovered that under the Earth there be monsters… and not just drop bears. Then in 2017 a reddit user explained that a zanny land of poisonous everything and giant hoppy, boxing, mice is clearly made up. According to Floryd, who lives in Stockholm – a real place – Australia was invented by Britain as the magical place they sent all those criminals they actually murdelated. Floryd has 20,000 followers. They fervently believe that the entire island was fabricated to hide the execution of 162,000 prisoners. A con continued to this day through the employment of fake airline pilots, and zainy actors with obviously fake, cartoonish accents.

Others in the Flat Earth movement have since become woke to the anti-auzie truth, user Rogherio wrote: “Australia does exist just not where you were taught it was by Round Earth science.”

The Dragon Reborn, said: “Who could ever believe Australia exists? Anyone who cares to look would realise it’s all propaganda.

“Thankfully, Masterchief was quick enough to notice it. I can only pray there are others that have realised this truth.”

Flatbiker0 said: “I thought that would have been obvious. The fact that the government puts so much effort into covering it up is just more proof that the Australia Conspiracy is much bigger than the Flat Earth Conspiracy.”

So there you have it, all the world’s governments conspired to make up another world government so that some old-Zeelander’s AI could name their musical operatives after seagulls. That’s right Shelley, we’re on to you and your not… being… real… hmm.

Jenn’s next installment of WEIRD HISTORY. (ri…ri…ri…)

Starts at: 00:02:30

 

M-O-O-N, that spells ‘hoax’. (This is actually a Steve joke, but I love it so much I’m using it. Thanks Steve and Stephen King.) This week I am bringing you the story of the Great Moon Hoax of 1835. Before Orson Welles freaked the hell out of his listening radio audience with his take on the H. G Wells classic War of the Worlds, a different media medium sent its followers into a tailspin from a fantastical story.

It’s something I first read about in the 1981 edition of Reader’s Digest Strange Stories, Amzing Facts that my dad’s mom left me when she passed away (along with the entire series of the Time Life crazy paranormal books and all kinds of kooky stuff. It was great until I think my mom got rid of the books bc she thought they were devil-y.)

www.history.com/this-day-in-history/the-great-moon-hoax

daily.jstor.org/how-the-sun-conned-the-world-with-the-moon-hoax/

www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/great-moon-hoax-was-simply-sign-its-time-180955761/

blogs.loc.gov/folklife/2014/08/the-great-moon-hoax/

hoaxes.org/text/display/the_great_moon_hoax_of_1835_text

So yes, The Great Moon Hoax of 1835 began on the 25th of August in (surprisingly) 1835. Side note: August 25th is also the always delightful Big Gay Jim’s birthday (as well as my dad’s and Sean Connery’s. It’s quite the date.). It was on this day that New York magazine The Sun published the first of 6 articles by astronomer Dr. Andrew Grant, a self-stated associate of actual-for-real-honest-to-goodness-famous astronomer Sir John Herschel.

Alright, before I get into the articles themselves, here’s a little backstory on some of the players. First off, the Sun newspaper: it was founded in 1833 and was considered a ‘penny press’, an inexpensive and popular style of journalism with the working class folk. Lots of illustrations and stories aimed at sensationalism, lots of true crime and the like, often told in a narrative style. As the name suggests, it cost a penny which would be 26 cents in 2018. To break it down, it was cheap and titillating and exactly what the masses tend to crave and would definitely now be called a tabloid. It is perhaps today best known as the paper that printed the editorial that became ‘Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus’ and the film ‘A Miracle on 34th St.’ It ceased publication in 1950 when it merged with another paper.

Next big player, Sir John Herschel, the astronomer whose name gave the articles what gravitas they had. He was known for all kinds of awesome science-y shit such as: chemistry, experimental photography, botany, and mathematics. He invented the blueprint, named 7 moons of Saturn and 4 moons of Uranus, investigated colorblindness, and studied the chemical power of ultraviolet rays. But his main claim to fame was his work in astronomy. In fact, just the year before (January of 1834) he had traveled to Capetown, South Africa to set up an observatory with a powerful new telescope and study the stars of the Southern Hemisphere. It was this event that led to the articles, but I’ll get there in just a minute.

Now, unlike today when we are living in the time of some of the greatest scientific advances in human history, carry computers in our pockets more powerful than what sent man into space and still have climate deniers, anti-vaxxers and flat earthers, the people of the early 19th century generally were impressed by science. As literacy among the general populations throughout Western society grew, so did the interest in scientific explorations and discoveries. Journals and reports of expeditions and advancements were very popular, which is all great. Unfortunately, much like today, there was the problem of…FAKE NEWS… And they did not have Google or Snopes or Bill Nye, and encyclopedias had only been gaining traction in English speaking countries in the last 50 years or so.

Back to August 25, 1835 now that we have a little more context: The 6-part story was written as a first person narrative of the astronomer assisting Sir Herschel, Dr. Andrew Grant, with contributions and credits due to the Edinburgh Journal of Science. (Spoiler alert: there was no Dr. Andrew Grant and the EJS had been out of production for years by this point. Seeing as how the title of this story is the The Great Moon Hoax, hopefully that does not come as too big of a shock.)

The opening paragraph truly sets the tone, so here goes: “In this unusual addition to our Journal, we have the happiness of making known to the British publick, and thence to the whole civilized world, recent discoveries in Astronomy which will build an imperishable monument to the age in which we live, and confer upon the present generation of the human race a proud distinction through all future time. It has been poetically said, that the stars of heaven are the hereditary regalia of man, as the intellectual sovereign of the animal creation. He may now fold the Zodiack around him with a loftier conscientiousness of his mental supremacy.”

First off, so tabloids were obviously of a higher reading level than those of more modern times. Secondly, it’s pretty light-hearted for something that could potentially turn many religious faiths on their head. Finally, it’s honestly the goddamned worst at burying the lede. It literally takes PAGES of telescope explanations, Sir Herschel and his father’s achievements, how Newtonian physics affects planets… OH MY GOD SHUT UP AND GIVE ME MOON PEOPLE! Sentences like “Sir John Herschel then conceived the stupendous fabric of his present telescope. The power of his father’s instrument would still leave his distant from his favorite planet nearly forty miles, and he resolved to attempt a greater magnifier. Money, the wings of science as the sinews of war, seemed the only requisite, and even the acquisition of this, which is often more difficult than the task of Sisyphus, he determined to achieve.” really dampen the excitement buildup.

So, I will NOT commit that same sin and get to the good stuff, what the heck did they see with their big ass telescope? Well, for starters the flora of the moon sounds like OZ. They first spy a “basaltic shelf” … “profusely covered with a dark red flower, “precisely similar,” says Dr. Grant, “to the Papaver Rhoeas, or rose-poppy of our sublunary cornfields; and this was the first organic production of nature, in a foreign world, ever revealed to the eyes of men.” They see mountains, woodlands, lakes and coves and inland seas (which seems like an oxymoron?) and eventually are able to focus on their “discovery of animated beings”.

There are less interesting things like water birds (hunting for “lunar fish”), sheep, mini-zebras, bison-like cowthings (which surely the folk of the 19th century couldn’t wait to get to slaughter til nearly extinct.). YAAAWN… But wait! There’re also unicorns! Some of which are BLUE (only the males had horns bc that scope was so impressive it could sex the animals). He named this area the Valley of the Unicorn, and at this point I would have been bought and sold and ready for a moon trip.

Also, horned bears and giant, bipedal, tailess beavers that appear to be sentient. With some cavalier superiority and casual racism, “It carries its young in its arms like a human being, and moves with an easy gliding motion. Its huts are constructed better and higher than those of many tribes of human savages, and from the appearance of smoke in nearly all of them, there is no doubt of its being acquainted with the use of fire.” We have moved from OZ to Narnia and I now need a beaver-only Quest For Fire made IMMEDIATELY.

Finally, the greatest of the discoveries: Man-Bats. (Or more technically People-Bats as whoever did the illustrations for the paper was very happy to draw bats boobies on far more than half of the batfolk. Seriously, the gender ratio is like that of Ponyville.) From the original article:

“They averaged four feet in height, were covered, except on the face, with short and glossy copper-colored hair, and had wings composed of a thin membrane, without hair, lying snugly upon their backs, from the top of their shoulders to the calves of their legs. The face, which was of a yellowish flesh color, was a slight improvement upon that of the large orang outang, being more open and intelligent in its expression, and having a much greater expansion of forehead. The mouth, however, was very prominent, though somewhat relieved by a thick beard upon the lower jaw, and by lips far more human than those of any species of simia genus. In general symmetry of body and limbs they were infinitely superior to the orang outang; so much so, that, but for their long wings…

“Whilst passing across the canvas, and whenever we afterwards saw them, these creatures were evidently engaged in conversation; their gesticulation, more particularly the varied action of their hands and arms, appeared impassioned and emphatic. We hence inferred that they were rational beings, and although not perhaps of so high an order as others which we discovered the next month on the shores of the Bay of Rainbows, they were capable of producing works of art and contrivance. The next view we obtained of them was still more favorable. It was on the borders of a little lake, or expanded stream, which we then for the first time perceived running down the valley to a large lake, and having on its eastern margin a small wood.

“Some of these creatures had crossed this water and were lying like spread eagles on the skirts of the wood. We could then perceive that they possessed wings of great expansion, and were similar in structure to this of the bat, being a semi-transparent membrane… But what astonished us very much was the circumstance of this membrane being continued, from the shoulders to the legs, united all the way down, though gradually decreasing in width. The wings seemed completely under the command of volition, for those of the creatures whom we saw bathing in the water, spread them instantly to their full width, waved them as ducks do their to shake off the water, and then as instantly closed them again in a compact form. … We scientifically denominated them as Vespertilio-homo, or man-bat; and they are doubtless innocent and happy creatures, notwithstanding that some of their amusements would but ill comport with our terrestrial notions of decorum.” Translation, the man-bats were getting it on by the lake.

Now, I want to point out that all of this is covered in the FIRST article. But I think it covers the highlights. So this and the follow ups caused the Sun to sell out copies almost immediately and created the need for larger print runs and more editions. From History.com: “Contemporary accounts suggest most people believed it, at least at first. At Yale, for instance, faculty and students eagerly awaited the next installment. Other papers shamelessly copied the story. Meanwhile, ardent missionaries tried to figure out how to get Bibles to the lunar man-bats.” (We can’t get too smug about it, we have people he think Newtown didn’t happen.) One of my favorite parts is that a group of Yale scientists traveled to New York to get ahold of the ‘supporting’ Edinburgh Journals. The Sun employees sent them back and forth between the printing and editorial offices, hoping to discourage them, and the scientists returned to Connecticut without realizing they had been tricked.

It didn’t take very long before skeptics had to ruin the fun. But honestly, even people just casually interested in science could spot some serious flaws. It took a few months, but the Sun (sorta/kinda) admitted it was fake. To this day, no one has taken credit for writing it but it’s generally accepted that the-then editor-in-chief, Richard Adams Locke, was the author. He vehemently denied it while still making it still sound very likely he was the culprit. He was a REALLY good tabloid guy.

Finally, a funny additional note: most literary historians chalk the stories up to a satirical take on the (at the time) very popular theory of a plurality of worlds. People such as church minister-scientist Thomas Dick (hee hee) were big advocates, because they were early Ken Hamms. Anyhow, the basic premise of the theory is that there were trillions of inhabitants of the universe, with 4 billion alone on the Moon, all created by the Christian god. Unfortunately, Locke was so good at his satire (or bad?) that it failed and, for at least a little, while English-speakers throughout the world were excited to think of blue unicorns and Man-Bats made by Jesus in the sky.

Next Week’s Beer

Fat Randy’s IPA | Holidaily Brewing Co.

Donated by Steve E.

Faith In Humanity Restored

Because everything’s better down where it’s wetter, faith restored this week is Under the Sea…

633 Florida Divers descended on Deerfield beach last week to break the Guinness – hehe, beer ty-in – world record for the largest underwater cleanup.

Guinness adjudicator Michael Empric made a rare trip from New York City to do the official head count between 9 a.m and 11 a.m.

“I actually stood there and clicked off everyone as they got in the water,” he said sporting the dark blue Guinness blazer and teal tie in 87 degree heat.

Divers entered the ocean in waves and had to stay in the water at least 15 minutes to be counted.

Dahlia Bolin, 13, was among them. She and her mother Rebecca came all the way from Mackinaw, Illinois, to help set the record, and pick up debris.

She recovered a white, metal sign with red lettering that warned: Boats Must Not Come Within 100 Yards of Pier.

“It was at the end of the pier about 20 feet down, just kind of buried in the sand,” she said. “There’s a lot of heavy weights for fishing line down there, but there’s some really beautiful fish, mostly.”

It was not known Saturday night exactly how much trash was collected, but diver and environmentalist RJ Harper, who helped recruit divers for the event, reported that the divers recovered 1,600 pounds of lead fishing weights alone, the result of years of anglers cutting bait.

“Oh, it’s amazing to see everybody here, happy, just amazing,” said Pavan. “The last record took 24 hours and we did it in two hours, so it’s amazing.”

The previous record for the most divers taking part in an underwater cleanup was held by Ahmed Gabr, a former Egyptian Army scuba diver, with a team of 614 divers in the Red Sea in Egypt in 2015.

“It doesn’t matter what happens today with the Guinness World Records,” said Empric. “What really matters is that everyone is out there cleaning up around the pier and trying to improve the community.”

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